2014. wow. more than enough has happened and quite frankly, im ready for 2015.
the year began with a new men's ministry at our church, which my husband was very excited to join. and as i watched God change him into something i always prayed for well, there was something that changed within me too. i said "yes" to the Giver. yes to whatever He wanted for this family of mine. and then, i fell into a depression of sorts. coincidence? maybe. an attack? probably. so much change and i had to finally give up the reigns as "leader." something i had intensely prayed to happen for so long. something i didnt know would alter my sense of purpose. something that would have me asking the questions, "what is my role now?" and "where do i go from here?" the sadness and fear passed and we moved on into a new phase of this beautiful life together.
and then wham. my husbands contract was cancelled. its been almost 6 months now and im not sure how we have survived. well i do know. nothing short of a miracle. nothing short of Jesus. people gave. we had to be humble enough to receive. i picked up odd jobs. and we were able to pay the mortgage every month. i learned what the body of Christ is meant to look like. not the sharp toothed creatures who eat their own that the media portrays as "the church." no no. the Church of Acts. the breaking of bread and giving to those who need it the most.
we havent had a huge year in the terms of births or deaths. oh but our hearts were challenged. our souls were changed. and two things were asked of us: 1) trust 2) obey
so we did. and so many times we have died to ourselves. so many times we cried and were anxious and mourned the parts we would never get back. paying no mind to the fact that we are better without them.
and the new year brings birth. not silly resolutions that feed nothing to eternity. but newness. life. hope. and we are walking from what i can only assume is darkness into light.
we learned persistence. change. prayer. i learned a gut wrenching amount of humility. beauty in the shambles and ash.
our boys turned 3 and 7 in 2014.
corbin was baptized by his father. has a heart for the lost children of this world. loves chocolate even though it hurts his stomach. plays basketball and wrestles with his little brother.
rhys is officially potty trained. is overjoyed to attend BSF every wednesday. loves hot dogs and will finally drink milk. he will rule this life of his and fully believes his brother hung the moon.
my husband loves Jesus. i can finally say that with full confidence. he makes good decision for his family. talks about how he feels. he is strong. protecting. encouraging. and patient.
2014 sucked. and i wouldnt trade it for anything.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
i am the dwelling place.
this past week in bible study fellowship, we studied the putting together of the tabernacle. (exodus 35-39) one of the questions in the study asked how we can relate the "tent of meeting" to our modern day lives... i didnt answer this question at first and quickly moved to the next. i went back later to reread it. i shook the feeling off and still wrote nothing down. then wednesday morning rolled around and we met in our small groups. the question came. and everyone looked at one another puzzled, not knowing how to answer it. and i breathed a deep breath in. i knew once i said it, it would be out there. and then i would be accountable for it.
dwelling place. tabernacle. these words are one in the same. and God, in all of His splendor and glory, dwelt in the tabernacle, among His people. moses followed His commands with the sacrifices and the washing of hands, coming into this holy meeting place blameless and covered before The Almighty. moses understood His Awesome nature. and respected it. so how does this relate to us? we are... the tent of meeting.
mind blown.
(okay, so maybe its not so big for you. but it was for me. it weighed heavy on my heart, begging to be spoken aloud.)
we are the walking, talking tent of meeting. tabernacle. dwelling place. after pentecost, God gave us the gift of Him in the form of the Holy Spirit. and those believing in the saving power of Jesus, receive that gift. therefore, He dwells within us. i know, i know, you already know this. but do you KNOW it?!
because to KNOW it means to acknowledge that we enter the tent of meeting ALL of the time filthy. covered in our shame and sin. did Moses? no! he shed blood to cover sins. that was Jesus for us. then he washed himself, as to not defile the Holiest of Holy's. but we defile ourselves daily.
what if before i thought something, said something, did something, i thought "i am in the presence of God." (because His presence is in me)
how would this change me? drastically.
dwelling place. tabernacle. these words are one in the same. and God, in all of His splendor and glory, dwelt in the tabernacle, among His people. moses followed His commands with the sacrifices and the washing of hands, coming into this holy meeting place blameless and covered before The Almighty. moses understood His Awesome nature. and respected it. so how does this relate to us? we are... the tent of meeting.
mind blown.
(okay, so maybe its not so big for you. but it was for me. it weighed heavy on my heart, begging to be spoken aloud.)
we are the walking, talking tent of meeting. tabernacle. dwelling place. after pentecost, God gave us the gift of Him in the form of the Holy Spirit. and those believing in the saving power of Jesus, receive that gift. therefore, He dwells within us. i know, i know, you already know this. but do you KNOW it?!
because to KNOW it means to acknowledge that we enter the tent of meeting ALL of the time filthy. covered in our shame and sin. did Moses? no! he shed blood to cover sins. that was Jesus for us. then he washed himself, as to not defile the Holiest of Holy's. but we defile ourselves daily.
what if before i thought something, said something, did something, i thought "i am in the presence of God." (because His presence is in me)
how would this change me? drastically.
how would my thoughts change?
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
how would my speech change?
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29
how would my actions change?
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23a
this may not be big to you. thats ok. but for me, it was just so huge. tying the old testament into the modern day world. moses had such a reverence for God. i want that. his love for Him, i want that too! out of a joyful and overflowing love and respect for my Creator, i want to always make the best choices. i want to honor him above all else. have an unending gratitude. a fierce love.
and people think that being inside of Gods will is restrictive. no no. its protective. which changes everything!
oh God, forgive me.
for assuming You owe me something when i owe You everything.
for undermining You when i should revere You.
for having the audacity to ask for blessings before forgiveness.
thank You for mercy. the blood of Jesus. the Holy Spirit.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
Psalm 51:10-14
Saturday, October 18, 2014
green again.
it is officially fall.
the leaves are bright gold and floating wherever the wind
takes them. the boys, with hoods overhead, raking leaves and sticks to compost
and burn. and in a matter of weeks, the amount of yard work has changed in an excruciating way. soon, everything will die to itself and there will be
nothing left to do but wait for repurpose. growth. green.
when autumn first showed signs of its presence, i asked God
to change this season of my own life along with the outside. its been too much
to deal with. this heart of mine. longing for something more while He sees fit
to give less. and you learn. you learn to take joy in the little. you learn
that whatever you have, its enough. He always give us His best. rusty nails
always save us better than a golden crown.
and He asks if I will take it. all that He is offering. all
that He has planned for me and mine. one bleak wednesday morning, i give up the
fight. i close my eyes and with an inner, pleading whisper one word seeps out
of my heart. “yes.”
and i know, just as the israelites did, i will forget. and He
will give manna. i will complain. and He will teach joy in death. we have been doing this
dance for months now and i am quite certain the song has a few more verses
left. i would be lying if i said that I don’t pray for this season in my life
to change, along with the outside. but I have no control. and i am finally in a
place where i am relinquishing the whole idea that i have some. no control.
whatever You see fit. whatever Your plan. whatever You
bestow. whatever is unpleasing…
“yes.”
give. and take away.
and maybe, just maybe as the earth dies
around me. as these leaves seep back into the ground for the long white, winter
months. maybe it will be then that You decide to make me green again.
psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Monday, September 1, 2014
a season of humility
its funny to me how the last few blogs i have written have mostly stemmed from a run. not really funny, more sad. these are the few times when its just me and Him. in the day to day, i am surrounded by toddlers wants and my endless to do list. so those moments (which should come more often and i will save that for another blog) when i let myself be alone. surrounding myself with all of creation and breath in. those moments are when i run and they are most often the time when God chooses to speak to me clearly and in the black and white.
what prompted my run was a challenge group that i am currently apart of, which challenges me not only in the physical aspect, but relational and spiritual as well. when i looked at the challenges for the week, i knew some of them would require more time, some of them would be easier and others could be difficult. i immediately went for the level 3 on the fitness challenges, because i am a very active person and the whole point of this is to push ourselves. i did all of my other challenges in the first part of the week but for whatever reason, kept putting off the mileage. but i arrogantly kept telling myself, it would be an easy 5 miles so i could do it later. HA!
so i go to run this seemingly "easy" 5 miles. by mile 3 my body was done. i was breathing hard. i had been rained on for a good 30 minutes, my feet were pounding the asphalt, and i had the biggest cramp in my side. so i prayed. how easy it is to come to Jesus in the hard places. how difficult it is to humble ourselves in the things we are good at and ask for help. because it doesnt matter, does it? whether something comes naturally or not? shouldnt we still ask Jesus for help and for His glorification through it? He is teaching me a lot about humility these days. asking Him for help. asking His people for help. doing away with all of my pride and relying fully and solely on God. its devastating. and healing.
it reminds me of the way our muscles work when lifting weights. when you lift weights, small tears happen. and then you allow those muscles to rest and they heal. which is why you are to never work the same muscle group back to back. they need that rest time in order to fully heal. oh, how Jesus is the same way with us. i told Him i wanted to go deeper, months ago. i asked Him to change me. change my family. and He has been making these tears in my heart, as He works out all of the junk and despair. and when i rest in Him through this tearing process, it is then and only then that i am healed by Him and grow stronger through Him. that is what you call a beautiful breakdown. so i had to walk for half of my "run." because i was arrogant and i procrastinated. but walking helped me spend more time with my Creator. and i listened, which i dont do so well.
the tearing of the heart hurts. this season of humility is a painful process. oh but when i get to the other side. to be stronger. more courageous. knowledgeable. when this heart belongs solely to the One who made it and i can say, "it was not by my own strength..." what a day that will be.
so i will take it all now. because of the promises He has made for my future.
what prompted my run was a challenge group that i am currently apart of, which challenges me not only in the physical aspect, but relational and spiritual as well. when i looked at the challenges for the week, i knew some of them would require more time, some of them would be easier and others could be difficult. i immediately went for the level 3 on the fitness challenges, because i am a very active person and the whole point of this is to push ourselves. i did all of my other challenges in the first part of the week but for whatever reason, kept putting off the mileage. but i arrogantly kept telling myself, it would be an easy 5 miles so i could do it later. HA!
so i go to run this seemingly "easy" 5 miles. by mile 3 my body was done. i was breathing hard. i had been rained on for a good 30 minutes, my feet were pounding the asphalt, and i had the biggest cramp in my side. so i prayed. how easy it is to come to Jesus in the hard places. how difficult it is to humble ourselves in the things we are good at and ask for help. because it doesnt matter, does it? whether something comes naturally or not? shouldnt we still ask Jesus for help and for His glorification through it? He is teaching me a lot about humility these days. asking Him for help. asking His people for help. doing away with all of my pride and relying fully and solely on God. its devastating. and healing.
it reminds me of the way our muscles work when lifting weights. when you lift weights, small tears happen. and then you allow those muscles to rest and they heal. which is why you are to never work the same muscle group back to back. they need that rest time in order to fully heal. oh, how Jesus is the same way with us. i told Him i wanted to go deeper, months ago. i asked Him to change me. change my family. and He has been making these tears in my heart, as He works out all of the junk and despair. and when i rest in Him through this tearing process, it is then and only then that i am healed by Him and grow stronger through Him. that is what you call a beautiful breakdown. so i had to walk for half of my "run." because i was arrogant and i procrastinated. but walking helped me spend more time with my Creator. and i listened, which i dont do so well.
the tearing of the heart hurts. this season of humility is a painful process. oh but when i get to the other side. to be stronger. more courageous. knowledgeable. when this heart belongs solely to the One who made it and i can say, "it was not by my own strength..." what a day that will be.
so i will take it all now. because of the promises He has made for my future.
My Heart Is Yours
Kristian Stanfill
from the album Passion: Take It AllI give You my life
Play sample
I give You my trust
Jesus
You are my God
You are enough
Jesus
My heart is Yours
My heart is Yours
Take it all
Take it all
My life in Your hands
I lay down my life
And take up my cross
Jesus
For You are my God
Whatever the cost
Jesus
For You, Jesus
All to Jesus I surrender
All to You I freely give
I will ever love and trust You
In Your presence I will live
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
enough. always. enough.
those moments in life when "Jesus" seems to be the only thing coming out of the mouth when praying...
between sobs and worry.
and if there is one thing i should have learned by now, through all of these struggles, that name... Jesus. its enough. always. enough.
when you fall in love with a boy who doesnt love you or God for that matter. when you find out you will soon bring life into the world, when you feel like a baby yourself. through all of the moves and deployments. years without real connections to anyone. looking in the mirror and realizing you cope by eating. when youre happy. sad. lost. celebratory.
He is enough.
when youre at the end of the month, with no opportunity in sight, wondering after this one small paycheck... then what?
but the birds do not wonder how they will find their next meal.
an entire group of people, wandering through the desert for 40 years. manna.
a giant and a shepherd boy. a slingshot.
three men in an all consuming fire. untouched by the flames.
me. time after time after time.
He is enough.
i will learn this lesson over and over again. in different ways, im sure.
perspective is everything. i call this suffering. but when i compare this to the cross i claim to cling to daily...
well, suffering this is not.
and cling i shall.
matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
between sobs and worry.
and if there is one thing i should have learned by now, through all of these struggles, that name... Jesus. its enough. always. enough.
when you fall in love with a boy who doesnt love you or God for that matter. when you find out you will soon bring life into the world, when you feel like a baby yourself. through all of the moves and deployments. years without real connections to anyone. looking in the mirror and realizing you cope by eating. when youre happy. sad. lost. celebratory.
He is enough.
when youre at the end of the month, with no opportunity in sight, wondering after this one small paycheck... then what?
but the birds do not wonder how they will find their next meal.
an entire group of people, wandering through the desert for 40 years. manna.
a giant and a shepherd boy. a slingshot.
three men in an all consuming fire. untouched by the flames.
me. time after time after time.
He is enough.
i will learn this lesson over and over again. in different ways, im sure.
perspective is everything. i call this suffering. but when i compare this to the cross i claim to cling to daily...
well, suffering this is not.
and cling i shall.
Jesus.
Enough.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
eucharisteo.
"This
is why I had never really learned the language of 'thanks in all
things'! Though pastors preached it, I still came home and griped on. I
had never practiced. Practiced until it became the second nature, the
first skin. Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is
the essence of transformation... This training might prove to be the
hardest of my life. It just might save my life."
One Thousand Gifts
Ann Voskamp
it is no surprise to anyone, i have been in a funk. its been months now. it started with me asking God for more. not more stuff. more life. more of Him. it segued into a series of anxiety attacks, a lot of tears, some slight depression and a jumbled up mess of emotions. and then i begin to read "one thousand gifts." and this quote from ann voskamp's book...
ive never been a quick learner. i have never been a determined practicer of any one thing. i barely got by in school. i do not retain information well. and anything i want to be good at, i must prepare to spend a lot of time doing and well, for that reason i dont. im not sure why this is. generational curse? personality type? birth order? no clue. but thats the way i have been for as long as i have known myself. so becoming fully aware of THE thing Jesus is determined to teach me in this horrendous season of life... gratefulness.
One Thousand Gifts
Ann Voskamp
it is no surprise to anyone, i have been in a funk. its been months now. it started with me asking God for more. not more stuff. more life. more of Him. it segued into a series of anxiety attacks, a lot of tears, some slight depression and a jumbled up mess of emotions. and then i begin to read "one thousand gifts." and this quote from ann voskamp's book...
ive never been a quick learner. i have never been a determined practicer of any one thing. i barely got by in school. i do not retain information well. and anything i want to be good at, i must prepare to spend a lot of time doing and well, for that reason i dont. im not sure why this is. generational curse? personality type? birth order? no clue. but thats the way i have been for as long as i have known myself. so becoming fully aware of THE thing Jesus is determined to teach me in this horrendous season of life... gratefulness.
in every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
1 thessalonians 5:18
thanksgiving. to give thanks. being grateful. chalk those up to a few more things ive never been good at doing. and to find out it takes practice! i asked God for more. and i have been waiting to change. ive been waiting to wake up one morning and to feel grateful. joyful. thankful. changed.
instead, i groan. i gripe at my toddler for waking up too early. i speak harshly when my six year old doesnt clean up after himself. i think negative thought after negative thought as things continue to not go my way. and i wait to change...
"practice until it became the second nature, the first flesh." oh how foolish i have been. how much time i have wasted on trying to be everything You never intended. the one thing i stress about greatly, in the inner most secretive places of my being is this question: what was i made for?
because people are good at music, so they play music. they become teachers, musicians, worship leaders. people who speak well become leaders, politicians, preachers. and if i am not good at any one thing, then who am i and what am i supposed to do with this life?
...whom i created for my glory.
isaiah 43:7
so whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 corinthians 10:31
i have learned how to be content with whatever i have. i know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. i have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.
philippians 4:11-12
so... i will give thanks. when i dont feel like it. when im overwhelmed. when im happy. when im losing my mind. i will give thanks. i will wake up before my children rise and i will give thanks. i will tell Jesus of all the tiny things that He has given me. and at noon, when the two year old needs a nap and the six year old hits his head on the floor, i will give thanks. in the early evening, when kids do not want to eat what i made and i step in an oddly warm puddle on the carpet, i will give thanks. on saturdays, when we get to bask in the glorious sunshine on these five acres God has blessed us with. on sundays, when we are allowed to meet as a body of believers and sing of His beauty and suffering, i will give thanks.
when i rise.
when i lay my head.
when i do life.
i will give thanks.
because this is what i was made for. eucharisteo. thanksgiving.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
i will arise.
months ago i asked Him to revolutionize my family. to make us wise. to make us solid. to make us servants.
He began with my husband, who was by no means a wreck. he is good at his job. funny. faithful. provided greatly for this family. but very little desire. passion. oomf (for lack of a better word). but God awoken his spirit and put a drive in him to be better. to be intentional. to be a God-honoring man.
so for the past six years, i have been the head of the household. i have been all things to all people. my little people. i have laid down the rules and kissed bloody knees. i have read scripture and made dinner. i have been the outgoing one. the hard one. the nice one. the loving one. the disciplined one. i have prayed over, for, with...
and now there is the bright, beautiful human being swooping in to take over the leadership role. which, let me say, is brilliant and a HUGE answer to prayer, as previously stated. but now, at 31, i am to find out who i am? weird. it took me a few weeks to even put a face and name to this feeling deep within. and through a very close friend and a fifteen minute, 7:30 am conversation, Jesus opened my eyes. i am no longer to be the head of this household. my role is to "simply" be the heart.
so what now? i have absolutely no clue. my identity is in disarray these days and it seems very difficult most times to be myself. because i dont really know who that is. what that person looks like.
on the drive home yesterday, i prayed a small, silent prayer.
"Jesus, show me who i am. not who i want to be. not who everyone else thinks i should be. who you called me to be. You set me apart. for what? You guide my steps. where? i have very little talents. but im willing. show me who You created me to be."
so if i seem weird. uncertain. vague. confused. it is because i am.
i am in the shadowlands. and as deep as the roots of the trees go, my bones ache for Him to pull me out of here.
renewed.
i will rise up.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
He began with my husband, who was by no means a wreck. he is good at his job. funny. faithful. provided greatly for this family. but very little desire. passion. oomf (for lack of a better word). but God awoken his spirit and put a drive in him to be better. to be intentional. to be a God-honoring man.
so for the past six years, i have been the head of the household. i have been all things to all people. my little people. i have laid down the rules and kissed bloody knees. i have read scripture and made dinner. i have been the outgoing one. the hard one. the nice one. the loving one. the disciplined one. i have prayed over, for, with...
and now there is the bright, beautiful human being swooping in to take over the leadership role. which, let me say, is brilliant and a HUGE answer to prayer, as previously stated. but now, at 31, i am to find out who i am? weird. it took me a few weeks to even put a face and name to this feeling deep within. and through a very close friend and a fifteen minute, 7:30 am conversation, Jesus opened my eyes. i am no longer to be the head of this household. my role is to "simply" be the heart.
so what now? i have absolutely no clue. my identity is in disarray these days and it seems very difficult most times to be myself. because i dont really know who that is. what that person looks like.
on the drive home yesterday, i prayed a small, silent prayer.
"Jesus, show me who i am. not who i want to be. not who everyone else thinks i should be. who you called me to be. You set me apart. for what? You guide my steps. where? i have very little talents. but im willing. show me who You created me to be."
so if i seem weird. uncertain. vague. confused. it is because i am.
i am in the shadowlands. and as deep as the roots of the trees go, my bones ache for Him to pull me out of here.
renewed.
i will rise up.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
intentional grace.
there has been a theme of two words making its way into my life, around my thoughts, embedding itself deep into my soul...
{intentional}
{grace}
over and over again i am hearing the phrase "be intentional." which means overcoming emotion. rising above circumstance. let me be clear. i do not feel strong enough to do so... BUT. God has made me so. and so i will be.
and not only am i to be intentional about clinging to Jesus. obeying His commands. loving my enemies. loving my children. (which lets be honest, some days they both can be the same.) immersing myself in His truth. being joyful. the kind of joy that surpasses all understanding... not only am i supposed to be intentional, i am supposed to do it with
GRACE
something my life does not exude in the slightest. nor my personality. nor my actions. but God calls me to this. i do not feel graceful... BUT. He has made me so. and so i will be.
im uncertain of the time frame of this endeavor. i fear it might take a long while. like, say, maybe eternity. especially when my kids start arguing in the backseat and all i can do is turn the radio up so loud to drown them out because i know if i dont i will have a complete and utter meltdown. or when i spend the fourth night in a row going to bed late, being awoken in the middle and then rising early only to have little hands and tiny mouths needing and taking some more of my non existent energy. when i want to eat that second doughnut or drink the third glass of wine. when time and time again, i tell myself i cant or im not good enough. when the stress becomes overpowering and the fire keeps refining...
2 Corinthians 12:9
{intentional}
{grace}
over and over again i am hearing the phrase "be intentional." which means overcoming emotion. rising above circumstance. let me be clear. i do not feel strong enough to do so... BUT. God has made me so. and so i will be.
and not only am i to be intentional about clinging to Jesus. obeying His commands. loving my enemies. loving my children. (which lets be honest, some days they both can be the same.) immersing myself in His truth. being joyful. the kind of joy that surpasses all understanding... not only am i supposed to be intentional, i am supposed to do it with
GRACE
something my life does not exude in the slightest. nor my personality. nor my actions. but God calls me to this. i do not feel graceful... BUT. He has made me so. and so i will be.
im uncertain of the time frame of this endeavor. i fear it might take a long while. like, say, maybe eternity. especially when my kids start arguing in the backseat and all i can do is turn the radio up so loud to drown them out because i know if i dont i will have a complete and utter meltdown. or when i spend the fourth night in a row going to bed late, being awoken in the middle and then rising early only to have little hands and tiny mouths needing and taking some more of my non existent energy. when i want to eat that second doughnut or drink the third glass of wine. when time and time again, i tell myself i cant or im not good enough. when the stress becomes overpowering and the fire keeps refining...
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is
made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound
Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound
Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my
mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not
hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in
the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your
book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Friday, April 18, 2014
that ugly word... deployment.
its a wednesday. my alarm goes off at 6:30am. he asks if i will cuddle with him. he pulls me in close and we lay in the dark. the sounds of the noise machine and the fan, both which he cant sleep without, are playing in the background. he holds me tighter. its in this very moment that i know, he will accept the deployment position.
ten weeks sure is a long time to miss half your heart. people do it all of the time. and for longer. of this i am aware. this truth doesnt make any of it easier to swallow. easier to endure. when the clock move slower and the days seem vague at best, i will try to explain to my six year old the best way i know how. my two year old will ask "whered daddy go?," and i will make it seem exciting that he flew on a giant plane to a wonderful adventure over water and sand.
it wont be good enough.
ten weeks sure is a long time to miss half your heart. people do it all of the time. and for longer. of this i am aware. this truth doesnt make any of it easier to swallow. easier to endure. when the clock move slower and the days seem vague at best, i will try to explain to my six year old the best way i know how. my two year old will ask "whered daddy go?," and i will make it seem exciting that he flew on a giant plane to a wonderful adventure over water and sand.
it wont be good enough.
but God is good enough. He is always good. and always enough.
so in the dark. when im all alone. when the only sounds are the noise machine and the fan, because they remind me of him. when it is the hardest. when i cant convince myself that any of this is worth it... i will cleave to to my Comforter. and He will speak life into me just as He promises.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
in Him i live, and move, and have my being
this was originally going to be a simple facebook post. about me. about my accomplishment. but you know, these days God is persistent in teaching that this life i live will never be about me. should never be about me.
so a friend and i are training for a half marathon. and sunday, i ran the longest i have ever run. seven miles. so, i feel like i can officially say, "i am a runner."
ill be honest, i dont like to run. i never think, "i am so stoked to run 4 miles today!" i rarely look forward to it and i often dread it. its hard work for this body of mine. but a half marathon is on my bucket list and so its time to cross it off (before i get any older). todays run started out no different than the rest. we got home from church, my gracious husband fed the kids and put the little down for a nap, while i went to do my long run. in my head, seven miles sounds like torture. i am averaging a twelve minute mile, so running for over an hour, quite frankly, makes me want to throw something. and thats before i even begin! but i ran. it was a beautiful 50 degrees out, which was a huge change from the rain and snow that occurred yesterday (im over winter). the sun was out. im running.
mile 1.
this isnt so bad. usually it sucks really bad right about now. i have citizens playing on the ipod. no earphones. just openly playing.
mile 2. ive formed a habit of thanking God on these long runs. so i begin to give thanks. for this life. for this body. for who He is.
mile 3. theres a cool breeze. birds chirping. dogs barking. kids playing basketball. my feet hitting the pavement. Gods orchestra in the background.
mile 4. i find myself enjoying and being captivated by all that surrounds me. goodness gracious, i think im smiling.
mile 5. like clockwork, it all stops. everything. the breeze. the birds. the album. my right ankle no longer hurts. the plane that was once making a buzzing sound is far out of earshot. no basketballs hitting the concrete. its just... silent.
mile 6. God whispers, "this is your Sabbath."
this run was like no other run before. it was clarifying. it was real. for the past six weeks, i have decided to pray during these miles. and today, God poured out a blessing.
and it was a reminder that in everything, i can draw near. i imagined Him speaking these things in this very moment. "breathe in. breathe out. right foot. bird chirp. left foot. childs laughter."
you dont have to run. you dont have to move. you dont have to smile, cry, hear, see, or stand. you dont have to work or love. all you have to do is breathe in. now breathe out.
so a friend and i are training for a half marathon. and sunday, i ran the longest i have ever run. seven miles. so, i feel like i can officially say, "i am a runner."
ill be honest, i dont like to run. i never think, "i am so stoked to run 4 miles today!" i rarely look forward to it and i often dread it. its hard work for this body of mine. but a half marathon is on my bucket list and so its time to cross it off (before i get any older). todays run started out no different than the rest. we got home from church, my gracious husband fed the kids and put the little down for a nap, while i went to do my long run. in my head, seven miles sounds like torture. i am averaging a twelve minute mile, so running for over an hour, quite frankly, makes me want to throw something. and thats before i even begin! but i ran. it was a beautiful 50 degrees out, which was a huge change from the rain and snow that occurred yesterday (im over winter). the sun was out. im running.
mile 1.
this isnt so bad. usually it sucks really bad right about now. i have citizens playing on the ipod. no earphones. just openly playing.
mile 2. ive formed a habit of thanking God on these long runs. so i begin to give thanks. for this life. for this body. for who He is.
mile 3. theres a cool breeze. birds chirping. dogs barking. kids playing basketball. my feet hitting the pavement. Gods orchestra in the background.
mile 4. i find myself enjoying and being captivated by all that surrounds me. goodness gracious, i think im smiling.
mile 5. like clockwork, it all stops. everything. the breeze. the birds. the album. my right ankle no longer hurts. the plane that was once making a buzzing sound is far out of earshot. no basketballs hitting the concrete. its just... silent.
mile 6. God whispers, "this is your Sabbath."
this run was like no other run before. it was clarifying. it was real. for the past six weeks, i have decided to pray during these miles. and today, God poured out a blessing.
my body was in full, perpetual motion. my soul was at rest.
{Sabbath.}
and it was a reminder that in everything, i can draw near. i imagined Him speaking these things in this very moment. "breathe in. breathe out. right foot. bird chirp. left foot. childs laughter."
you dont have to run. you dont have to move. you dont have to smile, cry, hear, see, or stand. you dont have to work or love. all you have to do is breathe in. now breathe out.
Acts 17:24-28a
24
"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands.
25
And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything,
because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else.
26
From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit
the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact
places where they should live.
27
God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for
him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.
28
'For in him we live and move and have our being.'
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
establish: [ih-stab-lish] (used with object) 1. to found, institute, build, or bring into being on a firm or stable basis. 2. to install or settle in a position, place, business, etc. 3. to show to be valid or true. 4. to cause to be accepted or recognized: to establish a custom. 5. to bring about permanently.
ive been saying for weeks now the same sentence. of course, only to those closest to me and this wrecked heart of mine.
this sense of struggle has been looming overhead for what seems like eternity now. i wasnt sure if it would come like a desert or a storm. both fierce in its own right. one begging for a thirst to be quenched and a cool breeze. the other crying out for the waves to stop, the waters to calm.
what i realized today is...
im already in it. i can say "im not ready for the struggle" all i want. maybe ive been in denial. maybe i didnt have the words to describe it. or an accurate picture to portray this feeling. this stage. this season. but it is here and has been for months now. it came on slowly. creeping into my heart one or two degrees at a time.
"im not ready for the struggle..."
what i realized today is...
im already in it. i can say "im not ready for the struggle" all i want. maybe ive been in denial. maybe i didnt have the words to describe it. or an accurate picture to portray this feeling. this stage. this season. but it is here and has been for months now. it came on slowly. creeping into my heart one or two degrees at a time.
it is not a desert.
it is not a storm.
it is the Refiner's Fire.
every week has been something different. a new lesson to learn. with one objective in mind. TRUST ME. the interesting thing is its not a whisper or a yell [as that is what ive become accustomed to]. with each new phase of the impurities being melted away, He simply states "Trust Me."
so here i am. mixed with ash and an amazing amount of heat. in the flames. melted. separated. but being made into something truly remarkable. something that when done, will exist to bring honor and glory to Him alone.
1 Peter 5:10
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace,
who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore,
confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
comparison, the thief of my joy
i am a comparison junkie. i do it so much, i dont even notice it anymore. most of my inner thoughts are about what other people have or dont have and how i compare to their situation.
"oooo look at her legs. i would KILL to have her legs."
"if only i could keep my house as clean as she does..."
"shes so smart. i wish i could be that smart."
"she shouldnt eat that."
"my kids behave WAY better than hers. my son would NEVER do that."
i am THE empty woman.
i compare in my sleep.and goodness know how i hate to admit this but... i have never been fully satisfied. i mean, i have had moments. glimpses of what satisfied looks like. but never fully and overwhelming, life altering, this is everything i could ask for and more satisfied. and its my own fault. somewhere along the way i gave into the lie. the same lie that convinced eve she needed something more than paradise. the same lie that wrapped around a kings mind, making david choose death and easily forgetting the very God who brought a small shepherd boy to a throne. so what chance do i stand? an average girl from west texas, with a college degree, who spent five years working at starbucks and is now a stay at home mom.
but the TRUTH tells me i do have a chance!
"but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,God's special possession, that you make declare the praise of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light"
1 peter 2:9
i am a daughter of the Living God. i am royalty. he called me out and chose me. and i dont have to be this way. i get to say no to satan. i have the authority to stop the lies. and through Jesus, i can be just me. without comparison. as beautiful as He designed me to be. my load may not be elegant or graceful. but its mine. and He chose me to carry it and carry it i shall.
God, You alone can satisfy. fill me up with You and only You. Amen.
wedding dress
by derek webb
if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i'll ever need
should that be all i'll ever need
or is there more im looking for
and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
im a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you
so could you love this bastard child
though i don't trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood
because money cannot buy
because money cannot buy
a husbands jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
im a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you
Sunday, February 23, 2014
fear vs. faith
when i heard the song "oceans" by hillsong a few months back i immediately fell in love with it. but i also could have never expected the impact its words would have on me in the season to follow. this season. the season of so much growth, my bones ache. this season of full on submission, faith, prayer...
so after i had a cry-fest through that song this morning in our worship service, i breathed in deep for relief as the pastor got up to do his sermon. i could now stop heaving. i could rest in His word. it didnt take long for me to realize that this was not going to happen as easily as i originally thought. it was VERY apparent that God breathed my name all over our pastors words... another cry-fest.
it has been one hard lesson after another: how to be better with our finances. how to be a better wife, a better mom. how to love people that quite frankly, i dont want to love.
as if aaaaall of those things werent big enough, lets add one more life altering thing. my husband received a phone call two weeks ago from his boss stating that he would be let go from the contract the beginning of april. let me say, this is not the first time this has happened. its the life of a government contractor. you get contracts, you lose them. often times, for no reason whatsoever. this is one of those times. every time, there is a little shock of "what are we going to do?!" but, we just find another contract. so whats the big deal this go round? well, this is the FIRST place we have lived that we absolutely love. we have made life-long friends. my oldest has started school. the boys love it here. this is the first time that relocating is NOT and option. so what if its the only option left? what if God calls us somewhere else? this... it is this thought that plays over and over in mind.
so the pastor gets up and talks about fear vs. faith. ha!
Mark 4:40
so He said to His disciples, "why are you so
afraid? do you still have no faith?"
do i still have no faith? after all of this time, after all of the deliverance, after God has proven Himself over and over again.
1 John 4:18a
there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives
out fear
love. perfect love. the kind of love that can only come from the God who created everything, who sent His son to die for even me.
Romans 8:28
and we know that in all things God works for
the good of those who love Him, and to those
called according to His purpose
in ALL things! and i love Him. and oh, how i want to love Him more.
so these are the truths i will whisper to myself over and over again. tomorrow i will wake up and my wicked thoughts will go to worry. but then i will pray "perfect love casts out all fear... in all things You work for the good of me..." amen. and amen.
so after i had a cry-fest through that song this morning in our worship service, i breathed in deep for relief as the pastor got up to do his sermon. i could now stop heaving. i could rest in His word. it didnt take long for me to realize that this was not going to happen as easily as i originally thought. it was VERY apparent that God breathed my name all over our pastors words... another cry-fest.
it has been one hard lesson after another: how to be better with our finances. how to be a better wife, a better mom. how to love people that quite frankly, i dont want to love.
as if aaaaall of those things werent big enough, lets add one more life altering thing. my husband received a phone call two weeks ago from his boss stating that he would be let go from the contract the beginning of april. let me say, this is not the first time this has happened. its the life of a government contractor. you get contracts, you lose them. often times, for no reason whatsoever. this is one of those times. every time, there is a little shock of "what are we going to do?!" but, we just find another contract. so whats the big deal this go round? well, this is the FIRST place we have lived that we absolutely love. we have made life-long friends. my oldest has started school. the boys love it here. this is the first time that relocating is NOT and option. so what if its the only option left? what if God calls us somewhere else? this... it is this thought that plays over and over in mind.
so the pastor gets up and talks about fear vs. faith. ha!
Mark 4:40
so He said to His disciples, "why are you so
afraid? do you still have no faith?"
do i still have no faith? after all of this time, after all of the deliverance, after God has proven Himself over and over again.
1 John 4:18a
there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives
out fear
love. perfect love. the kind of love that can only come from the God who created everything, who sent His son to die for even me.
Romans 8:28
and we know that in all things God works for
the good of those who love Him, and to those
called according to His purpose
in ALL things! and i love Him. and oh, how i want to love Him more.
so these are the truths i will whisper to myself over and over again. tomorrow i will wake up and my wicked thoughts will go to worry. but then i will pray "perfect love casts out all fear... in all things You work for the good of me..." amen. and amen.
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
sufficient.
so when did being needy get such a negative conotation to it? man, i used to be soooo needy. mainly with boys. which, of course, is bad. (id tell any teenage girl that very thing) but learning to be dependant, strong, 'i can do anything on my own'.... well, somewhere it began to seap over into my spiritual life. i was so determined to prove that i could do anything, be anything, solve any problem without anyones help. and sadly, that included Jesus.
the funny thing, though, about that Jesus is WE NEED HIM. that was the plan. the main point. the whole, God coming to earth in human form, walking among sinners while remaining perfect, now im gonna go sacrifice myself and die the worst possible death and not only die but come back to life bit and do all of this because i love you? yeah, that was because we needed Him. there needed to be a way for us to spend eternity with Him. and i, on my own, in my horrific screwed up selfish life, can do nothing good apart from Him. im not quite sure when i will learn this lesson. when i will comprehend the magnitude of His Grace and the beauty of His Unending Love for me...
i need Him. to take over and run this life of mine. because truth be told, im not doing such a great job. im tired. and stressed out. i yell at my kids and i roll my eyes ALL of the time at my husband. my thoughts are murderous and i am jealous of what other people have.
and the funny thing about that Jesus... HE IS SUFFICIENT.
sufficient
adj. [suh-fish-uh nt] : adequate; enough
He is enough. and it NEVER matters if i am or not. He is.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
sweetest name i know
fills my every longing
keeps me singing as i go"
the funny thing, though, about that Jesus is WE NEED HIM. that was the plan. the main point. the whole, God coming to earth in human form, walking among sinners while remaining perfect, now im gonna go sacrifice myself and die the worst possible death and not only die but come back to life bit and do all of this because i love you? yeah, that was because we needed Him. there needed to be a way for us to spend eternity with Him. and i, on my own, in my horrific screwed up selfish life, can do nothing good apart from Him. im not quite sure when i will learn this lesson. when i will comprehend the magnitude of His Grace and the beauty of His Unending Love for me...
i need Him. to take over and run this life of mine. because truth be told, im not doing such a great job. im tired. and stressed out. i yell at my kids and i roll my eyes ALL of the time at my husband. my thoughts are murderous and i am jealous of what other people have.
and the funny thing about that Jesus... HE IS SUFFICIENT.
sufficient
adj. [suh-fish-uh nt] : adequate; enough
He is enough. and it NEVER matters if i am or not. He is.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
sweetest name i know
fills my every longing
keeps me singing as i go"
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