that ugly word... deployment.

its a wednesday. my alarm goes off at 6:30am. he asks if i will cuddle with him. he pulls me in close and we lay in the dark. the sounds of the noise machine and the fan, both which he cant sleep without, are playing in the background. he holds me tighter. its in this very moment that i know, he will accept the deployment position.

ten weeks sure is a long time to miss half your heart. people do it all of the time. and for longer. of this i am aware. this truth doesnt make any of it easier to swallow. easier to endure. when the clock move slower and the days seem vague at best, i will try to explain to my six year old the best way i know how. my two year old will ask "whered daddy go?," and i will make it seem exciting that he flew on a giant plane to a wonderful adventure over water and sand.

it wont be good enough.

but God is good enough. He is always good. and always enough.

so in the dark. when im all alone. when the only sounds are the noise machine and the fan, because they remind me of him. when it is the hardest. when i cant convince myself that any of this is worth it... i will cleave to to my Comforter. and He will speak life into me just as He promises.

 

in Him i live, and move, and have my being

this was originally going to be a simple facebook post. about me. about my accomplishment. but you know, these days God is persistent in teaching that this life i live will never be about me. should never be about me.
so a friend and i are training for a half marathon. and sunday, i ran the longest i have ever run. seven miles. so, i feel like i can officially say, "i am a runner."
ill be honest, i dont like to run. i never think, "i am so stoked to run 4 miles today!" i rarely look forward to it and i often dread it. its hard work for this body of mine. but a half marathon is on my bucket list and so its time to cross it off (before i get any older). todays run started out no different than the rest. we got home from church, my gracious husband fed the kids and put the little down for a nap, while i went to do my long run. in my head, seven miles sounds like torture. i am averaging a twelve minute mile, so running for over an hour, quite frankly, makes me want to throw something. and thats before i even begin! but i ran. it was a beautiful 50 degrees out, which was a huge change from the rain and snow that occurred yesterday (im over winter). the sun was out. im running.
mile 1.
this isnt so bad. usually it sucks really bad right about now. i have citizens playing on the ipod. no earphones. just openly playing.
mile 2. ive formed a habit of thanking God on these long runs. so i begin to give thanks. for this life. for this body. for who He is.
mile 3. theres a cool breeze. birds chirping. dogs barking. kids playing basketball. my feet hitting the pavement. Gods orchestra in the background.
mile 4. i find myself enjoying and being captivated by all that surrounds me. goodness gracious, i think im smiling.
mile 5. like clockwork, it all stops. everything. the breeze. the birds. the album. my right ankle no longer hurts. the plane that was once making a buzzing sound is far out of earshot. no basketballs hitting the concrete. its just... silent.
mile 6. God whispers, "this is your Sabbath."

this run was like no other run before. it was clarifying. it was real. for the past six weeks, i have decided to pray during these miles. and today, God poured out a blessing. 

 my body was in full, perpetual motion. my soul was at rest.

 {Sabbath.}

and it was a reminder that in everything, i can draw near. i imagined Him speaking these things in this very moment. "breathe in. breathe out. right foot. bird chirp. left foot. childs laughter."

you dont have to run. you dont have to move. you dont have to smile, cry, hear, see, or stand. you dont have to work or love. all you have to do is breathe in. now breathe out.  

Acts 17:24-28a

  24 "The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28 'For in him we live and move and have our being.'