entitlement

It is no secret that the human condition is sin. It always has been and always will be. However, I am in a new season where God is teaching me the very thing that leads us into this sinful nature. 

Whether it be a two year old screaming, "mine!" or a teenager stating, "it's just not fair." The endless pursuit of happiness. It is the thing that tears apart friendships. The thing that breaks up marriages. The thing that causes separations between any once loving and affectionate relationship. 

This thing... ENTITLEMENT. 

When I set Jesus aside and begin to think about all the things that should be given to me, it is then that all of my relationships go awry. When we feel like we are owed something more than the cards we've been dealt, we tend to throw humility out of the window. It even dates back to the very first sinful act. In the garden, Satan so easily convinced Eve that God owed her more and was holding out on her and if she would just eat the fruit... 

How easily we forget that God has given us much more than we ever deserved, more than we could ever earn. And He continues to bless us out of this great love that He has for us, even when we are at our worst. Sometimes those blessings come through discipline (goodness knows I've been there more times than I can count) and we respond like children, throwing ourselves to the ground, kicking, screaming and gnashing our teeth. And it's all because we believe we deserve more than this. We are not as bad as ... We've done so much ... Do you know who I am ... Look at my accomplishments ... 

God is humbling me to the floor in this stage of life. Apparently, showing grace doesn't come easy to me. To those I love or to those I don't understand. But He is good and faithful to teach me this lesson and maybe one day it will sink in. 

Luke 6:38 (NIV)

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

rhys [n.] : enthusiasm

the truth is its not a good day to be writing a blog about my son turning two. he hasnt slept well in a week. he has been in a horrible mood, at best. my oldest and i both have colds and my husband is away on a business trip. on top of all of this, Jesus is teaching me to love. not the pretty, shiny people. not the ones that i consider dear friends. not the the people that have anything to offer me. but the other kind. the difficult people who make everything about them and wallow in their pity and lack any sort of generosity. so me, ten years ago... err, seven years ago. life is funny like that. and God is good.

but! thats not what this blog is supposed to be about. my youngest is two and i know everyone says "whered those two years go??" but seriously, where did they go? because i feel like it was yesterday when my husband came home from work to our little house in england and our four year old yelled "daddy! mommy has a baby in her belly!!!" we were happy to have another. we were content with corbin, sure. but he needed to be a brother. and we had a little more love to give. and God apparently thought our patience, will, and determination needed to be tested. because we got rhys. He gave us rhys. now, i would not describe rhys as our little bundle of joy. from day one, he was difficult and demanding. not much has changed. but let me be very clear when i say, rhys is one of the greatest, most challenging gifts God gave to this family.

rhys' smile can light up the darkest of rooms. his hair, alone, is amazing. he is goofy, determined, energetic, stubborn, and yes, enthusiastic in everything he does. i have no doubt that he will do something great with his life. he has the personality to move mountains and by the grace of God alone, he will.

happy 2nd birthday rhys.
the plans God has for us are much better than our own. you are proof of that...

time.

as i was mowing our front pasture (yes you read that correctly), i began to think about all of the things i needed to get in order before my oldest starts first grade on wednesday. and then i thought, "corbin starts first grade on wednesday!" and then i began to cry. on the mower. in our front pasture. a ridiculous, weeping mess of a mother.

you see, just the day before corbin had said that he was going to miss rhys while he was in school. which was sweet. but when i start to think about this summer and how quickly it went by, i felt sad that now summer was all we would have. because now corbin would be in school all day, every day. it doesnt just change our schedule, it changes our relationships with one another. rhys would no longer have brother to wrestle with and jump with on the trampoline during the day. he could no longer steal his snack. (which im sure corbin wont mind a bit about that!) and ride his bike along side. corbin wont get to show rhys a cool, new trick. because after corbin gets home from school, we will have dinner, then homework, possibly some sport or church activity, and then maybe, just maybe one hour before bed.

life, slow down.
i need more time.

time to hold them. time to have them all to myself. to chase bubbles and reads stories. to play hide and seek and have picnics.

how fast the past six years have gone. i blinked. and here i am.
and in just three more, rhys will be starting school. i just... cant.

life, slow down.
i need more time.

#motherhood and prayers

i was never the girl who desperately wanted to have kids. in fact, i was ALWAYS the girl who said she never would. i am, by nature, impatient and selfish. and the thought of having a tiny human so dependent and needy... well, the thought made me cringe. thankfully, my God knew better. and so often i find myself saying, "my boys are the best things i never knew i wanted."

corbin is almost six. he LOVES video games (like his daddy), cereal, drawing pictures, and has the most sensitive heart. he asked Jesus into his heart this past year and is quick to volunteer to pray.

rhys is my strong-willed, relentless tornado. he doesnt like to sit for too long. he loves apple juice, food (period), and can ignore the sound of my voice better than anyone. i pray, DAILY, that i would become better equipped to deal with him.

motherhood is difficult. but a lovely sort of difficult. its tedious, dirty, funny, messy, bright, and constant. ever so constant. and some days i find myself just wanting to hide in the closet away from these monsters and eat an entire box of oreos. but some days.... some days something special happens. something i wasnt expecting. something beautiful and endearing and fantastic and wonderful.

as i was rocking my little 20 month old spit fire before bed, i simply said "lets say prayers." (as i do every night) rhys closed his eyes, jabbered a run on sentence only Jesus could understand, and said "maymen." he had said his very own bedtime prayer. i imagine he was thanking God for apple juice, pooh bear, and brother. :) and although i have absolutely no idea what he was actually praying, it was spectacular to watch. (and hear)

its always nice to know that the little seeds you plant take root, especially in your own children. when God has beckoned us to be faithful in every aspect of life, and it seems hard and impossible but we try and try and try... and then this happens.

its magnificent.
and hiding in the closet with oreos may happen some days...
but i hope to never miss a prayer. 

"shake the excess"

"so break my step
and relent
well, You forgave and i won't forget
know what we've seen
and Him with less
now in some way shake the excess" -mumford & sons, i will wait

this has become my prayer. every day. 
when i run. when i prepare myself for the day. as i instruct my kids. 
when i clean. when i go to church. when i speak with friends. 
when i deal with enemies. when i try to love someone that is hard to love. 
when i pray. when i forget that i am not in control. when my words get the better of me.
when i feel unfit. when i seem unworthy. when the world bears down on me. 
when life seems too hard. 

every. day.

"shake off the excess"

whatever holds me back. temps me.
all of the things that worry me and weigh me down.

when the baggage becomes heavier and the unnecessary piles on... 

Jesus, shake off the excess. 

because it is then and only then, that i will become more like You.

and that is worth more than anyones approval.  

i am a sinner. (this is for you, my friend)

my heart is heavy tonight. a place i called home for so long, a place i grew up in, asked Jesus to be my Savior in, it is a place becoming less familiar and more of just a building where people gather.
i have always looked at church as a safe place. the one place i could run to when the world turned into a tornado, sweeping me up in its lies. a sanctuary where i could pour out the most inward confessions of this sinners life. to show the ugly parts of me and not be judged but to actually have people say "you are among friends."
but i am learning every church is not this way. not even the place i once knew. some churches turn away sinners. because they are "willfully living in sin." my response to this is, arent we all? dont misunderstand me. i try to be better. every day i rely on His grace and mercy and i try to be better. but i am a sinner by nature. passed down to me from generation to generation. i sin every day. i react out of anger. i lie out of fear. i rely too much on what other people think of me. i have impure thoughts. i am murderous, envious, judgmental, and i am a sinner.
so is it because my sin isnt out in the open, laid bare for all to see? is it because i am not a whore in the marketplace trying to sell myself to the highest bidder? and if all of our struggles, the ones in the deepest crevices of our hearts, were spilled out for public viewing... then would we too be kicked out of the Fathers house?



Wedding Dress -Derek Webb
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all Id ever need
or is there more Im looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
Im a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I dont trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy
a husbands jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

he masks my fears

it has been three days since davids departure. my emotions shift by the minute. i tell myself that two months is hardly anything. some families deal with husbands and fathers being away for much, much longer. but then rhys says "thank you" to brother without being prompted. he makes a new animal noise. what if corbin makes his first soccer goal? its those moments. those tiny, perfect, beautiful moments that make eight weeks seem like eternity. but we will do it. because we have to. because we have been called to. because in the long run, it will make our lives, it will make us, better.
i feel foolish being scared of the noises that the house makes in the middle of the night. its odd how one persons presence can make all the difference. it hides the imperfections. masks the fears. but if there is one thing i have learned about myself, it is that in these uncomfortable days, i usually become a better version of myself. no, not because with him i am less. no no. it is merely because i HAVE to be better. i can not rely on him to be the rational one. the knowledgeable man. the calm and collected parent. i have to be both. and i step into shoes i never thought i could fill. Jesus, in all of His glory, stretches me and whispers "see? you can do it." and i lean on His whispers every day. because without Him i am nothing. and it is without him that i am less.






she can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written,
'cause she's never been in love with you before.
your skin smells lovely like sandalwood.
your hair falls soft like animals.
i'm tryin' to keep cool, but everyone likes you.
i want to kiss the back of your neck,
the top of your spine where your hair hits,
and gnaw on your fingertips and fall asleep,
i'll talk you to sleep.
but i'll be the one, i will have chosen.
i'm tryin' to keep cool, but everyone here likes you
i'm not the only one.
your skin smells lovely like sandalwood.
your hair falls soft like animals,
and nothing else matters to me.
she can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written,
'cause she's never been in love with you before.
your hand,
so hot,
burns a hole in
my hand.
i wanted to show you
 sandalwood, lisa loeb

Good Friday.

i by no means consider any death good. good is not the first word that comes to mind when i think of torture, sacrifice, bloodshed. but this day... this day is Good Friday.
without it, id be nowhere. nothing. just a mess of a girl.

Jesus in all of his infinite, mortal glory experienced something so tragic and dark. and it was good.
He took on all of our shame, lies, pervertedness, arrogance, gluttony, deceit, murderous thoughts, hateful words, depression, mediocrity, self loathing, and then he died. and it was good.

it wasnt an act of self. there was nothing boastful or shiny about it. He was a man obeying the command of His Father. acting as a final blood sacrifice. it was raw. dirty. unlovely. and it was good.

it was good. because without it we would all be damned.

however, we are redeemed. but only if we choose to believe this act of unspeakable grace. only if we let it change us.

..........................................


To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
Im sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

Youve called me out of death
Youve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross Im reconciled

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
Im sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

-Jeremy Riddle "Sweetly Broken"

out of these ashes...

my prayers have changed quite drastically over the past few months...

i no longer pray for God to pay my bills. or to keep us healthy. He is no longer this small entity that i occasionally speak with when i feel it necessary.

He is huge. He is everything. and He is becoming so sovereign in my life that my prayers are less complicated. less about me.

i, now, pray that He would make me better. not physically. but spiritually. and not for my own gain. but His alone. so that i may speak, sing, love, sweat, cry the name of Jesus. and that my husband and my two little boys would be the same way. that is all. and in that tiny little prayer God is changing my entire life. He has begun to plant a seed in my heart. that seed, i am not yet comfortable with sharing publicly but it is there. and He has made it evident to me. i am now praying that He will make it evident to my husband.

i grew up in church. ive been a christian for 22 years. and i have heard the verse "ask and you shall receive" a billion times.

           matthew 7:7
           ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened 
           to you.

but i never really believed it! it cant be that simple. but it is! a few months ago, i asked Jesus to do a good work in me. thats all. just "do a good work in me." and man.... Jesus has, in all of His infinite glory, done just that. and He is not done. He will never be done with me. so i now know that all i have to do is ask and then be open to receiving whatever it is He has for me.

and let me just say, it never looks like what we have imagined for ourselves, thank God.


(i heard this song this morning and well, it is my life right now)

shawn mcdonald - rise

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

Well I keep on coming to this place
That I don't know quite how to face
So I lay down my life in hopes to die
That somehow I might rise

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

a new season... a harder one.

it has been awhile since i have blogged. over a year, in fact. since the last post, we have moved from england to texas. texas to ohio. bought 5 acres and a house. corbin started school. rhys is 16 months old and a fiery, curly headed boy. and so much happens in a year.good... and bad. my best friend told me i should start journaling it all because when God shows Himself faithful, i will have a record of it. so here i am. journaling.

to get you caught up on everything that has happened (in a very short way):
i had a stroke.
our tractor and lawn mower broke down after buying the house & land.
the kids have been sick just about every 2 weeks this winter.
david had a tonsillectomy.
then david had to go back to the hospital to get his throat catheterized.
more money out of davids check is taken out for insurance purposes. 
this week rhys has an ear infection and a sinus infection.
last night i went in the laundry room to find a puddle underneath the washer and dryer.

its one thing after another these days. and most of the time i just sigh and move on. but last night....
last night i stood in that puddle and a thousand emotions washed over me. defeat. anger. sadness.
my first reaction is "really God??"
my second is "please. stop."

the truth is my life is pretty easy. we may live paycheck to paycheck but we have food. we have a house. we have running water. and not just running water, but WARM water. i have a lovely little family and for the most part, we are healthy. so sometimes... often, i have to remind myself how blessed i am in order to get through the struggle.

so one day i will read this. and it wont be IF God is faithful. it will, indeed, be WHEN He is faithful (which is every single day of this life i dont deserve). i will read this and i will thank Him for the pouring out of rain. and even though right now it feels as though i may drown, i know He wont let me. one day i will even thank Him for taking me through this. whatever this is...



"indeed God knows every detail of our lives, and when we step out in faith to follow him, he will show us that our greatest security is not found in the comforts we can manufacture in this world but in the faithful provision of the only one who know our needs and the only one who is able to meet our needs in every way."
david platt, radical, pg 174