deeper and deeper still.

I am thankful He doesn’t leave us where we are. I would’ve been long gone a decade ago. I am thankful that when I said “yes” to Him 3 years ago, He took me seriously. And as much as growing pains hurt. As much as I want to quit some days. As much rewiring that has to take place, I am so incredibly thankful that He sees me fit to do His work. He calls me by name to approach His throne and believe me, I do it humbly. I do it reverently. He calls me deeper still.

When I was eight years old, I accepted Him as Savior. When I gave birth eight years ago to my first son, I accepted Him as the Great Provider for my life. And as I look back on the last two years, I am overcome with a resounding sense of grace, knowing He has been shaping me to step into something far beyond what I could ever dream. Bigger than my mind can wrap around. Shedding skin; oh there is still much further to go. Transforming me into the image of Him; I could never compare. A new life. A new identity.

I have spent a lifetime, well 33 years, focused on the here and now. My earthly treasures. And I have said it before (God is reinviting me to learn this again), this world, it is not my home. While cute clothes, fit bodies, fun vacations, nice cars and comfortable houses are not sinful things… they are not the end goal. They are not even today’s goal. And even on their best days, these things can never make us whole. They make us momentarily happy while God is whispering things of Eternal Glory.

God has beckoned my heart to provide for the orphans and widows. Like Daniel, to stand with a humble fearlessness. To serve Him and others faithfully. Speak truth gracefully. Offer love always. And to go and make disciples.  

He calls me deeper still....

The generation of doing: my heart needs rest.

When we get caught up in doing good that we forget to be the good. When our lives get so full of busy and deeds and activities that we feel completely empty inside. I’ve turned into a Martha. Something, someone I never thought I would be. I get so busy “cleaning house” and “preparing a room” that I forget to fall at the feet of Jesus. I notice the longer this goes on, the shorter my patience gets with my children. The less time I spend in His presence, the less joyful I am in my everyday life. The more doing , the less just being. The older I get the more of a doer I become. I am not sure why this is and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, either. You need doers to get things done, of course.  But this is not what Jesus asks of us, first and foremost. He always gets to the heart of the matter. The heart. That is the only thing that matters.  And if we do good out of a grumbling heart, then it is meaningless. If we speak the truth but do it with a lack of grace and love, we are but a clanging cymbal. If we do God’s work before abiding in His word then it becomes our work and it is in vain that we toil. Jesus never intended to be something  we just mark off our to do list.

Vacuum. Check.

Drink 8 cups of water. Check.

Read bible. Check.

Grocery shop. Check.

Spend 20 minutes with Him. Check.

It dawned on me today, while vacuuming actually, that I can easily relate all of this to my home life. As a busy wife and mother of two boys, I, generally, put myself last. When the kids get sick, as mothers, we call the doctor and make an appointment. When my husband is sick, he takes off work to go to the doctor. But me? I tend to wait until the last possible moment before making an appointment. I mean, I have to be running a fever, sick in bed for 2 days, worn completely out, non-functioning, to go ask for medicine. And then, I am no good to anyone!

So what does this have to do with Jesus? Well, if I am making sure to take care of everyone else's heart and have not put in the time to take care of my own? Clanging cymbal. If I pray with my kids but have not spent time praying for them and for myself? Clanging cymbal. If I serve at home and in my community and at my church, but I haven’t sat for one solid minute to hear the voice of The Holy One? Clanging cymbal.

I can do good works. We all can. But I can’t offer the best part of me, I can’t offer anyone Jesus without first having spent time with Him. I can’t speak His truth clearly, without first having allowed His words to remain in me.  

Abide. That is what He is asking of me.