I learned at a very young age the right way to act. How to
please and placate. I, then, learned the right words to say in specific
situations. Words that would provoke a nod of approval, a verbal response of
thanks, or a mindset of deeper thinking. But even in all of this, I was not
changed. I could easily transform my words and deeds to fit any crowd but in
the quiet places, I hid. No wait, I did not hide. You cannot hide what you do
not know. I didn’t truly understand and grasp who I was, so I was simply
everyone. To everybody. I spent many
years trying to figure out who I was by changing at every turn. They were all
just outward labels, really.
The good girl.
The good girl gone bad.
Prep. Punk. Rebel.
And in all of the searching I became…
Lost. Lonely. Empty. Confused. Aimless.
I had a false sense of Truth and an even falser sense of who
I was meant to be. Now, before I begin the next sentence, let me make one thing
very clear. You do not have to hit rock bottom for you to finally realize who
you are. Did you hear that? Don’t go searching for the wicked ways of this
world! Plenty of it will find you without you having to look very hard for it.
If you have found your purpose and rest in the arms of Jesus, without ever
having been tangled up in the evil schemes of man… you are better for it!
So, there I was. Nothing. Nobody. And then, Jesus.
He has a way of filling you up and emptying you all at
once.
It hurt like hell. And it was necessary, in order for me to
grasp my need for Him. So here I am a lifetime later. Okay, it has only been
about nine years. Nine years later, God is still teaching me who I am in Him.
Not only WHO I am in Him but also, what I am supposed to be doing while still
on this earth.
My youngest will start school in a year and a half. (Mind
blowing.) I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I heard this
question asked, “What’s the one thing you can’t imagine not doing for the rest
of your life?… Then every decision from here on out should be in service of
that.”
I thought long and hard about this. I could come up with
only one thing.
Lead other people to the love of Christ.
It may sound cliché. But it’s my truth. I have experienced
the Saving Grace. I abandoned it as a young adult. And you know what happened?
He didn’t let me go. And at 24 years old, I experienced it all over again in a
much deeper way than I ever could have at 8 years old. I keep experiencing it. Every day. And that love. It is what keeps me. It is the one thing that holds steadfast. With a
future I can’t predict. With two boys that I am responsible for raising. With a
marriage that I am committed to keeping sacred. With friendships that I am
called to nurture. All within a crazy, narcissistic world… The love of Christ.
