the difference between the two...

i think its inevitable, when you have two or more pregnancies, to compare them to one another. i did just that, as i took a morning walk along the canal and into town. 


i was 24 when i unexpectedly got pregnant with corbin. david and i had been dating a mere 2 months and i think we both had a mind set of "it could never happen to me." but it did. it happened. and the first 6 months of a pregnancy i never wanted was spent trying to get a guy to love me, wondering how on earth God could have thought i could handle this, and not knowing how i was going to raise a human being when i didnt even know who i was. the last three months were spent praying, forgiving, and being amazed every time i felt him move. i was a child when i had corbin. even in my mid-20's, i was a child. 


now i am 28. the first noticeable difference is the lack of energy i have with this one. i have no idea how i worked 8-hour shifts at starbucks up until the week before corbin was born! because now? a 30-minute walk wipes me out. i still dont have all of the answers. and im still trying to figure out who exactly i am. arent we all?! but i have a stable environment, a loving husband, a sweet boy, and a life i am glad to call my own. its a weird thing choosing to get pregnant. for me anyway. i always said that i never wanted kids. and i meant it. of course, with a little help from Jesus, corbin changed that. life changed. i changed. 


so you may not think much will change, when people ask you "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" but the truth is five years changes everything. next year you will be a different you. if youre not married, maybe you will find that someone. if you dont have children, maybe, by the grace of God, you will. if you dont know Jesus, maybe He will reveal Himself to you. or maybe your life will look exactly the same. maybe its just as simple as loving a little more, forgiving someone, making a new friend, talking someone down, or being more disciplined. 


life is funny. and cruel. its a never-ending adventure and i quit making plans along time ago. 


"many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails." 
  proverbs 19:21

a life well lived

there is a family that i once knew, not very well, who may be losing a mother this week. a wife. a friend. and although they live across the ocean, and although i know them not, my heart is heavy. empathy? maybe. i could even blame my "silly" tears on pregnancy hormones. that would be easier. however, i feel its something more.
she has truly had a life well lived. saying in the best and the worst of times "God is good." she has an abundance of family and friends who say nothing but words of kindness and love for her. i want to be that. even now, i want to be that. if i were to pass today, what would people say? because the truth is, i havent done much in the 28 years ive been alive. and we always think we have more time, dont we? when i settle down. when i move here. when im not busy raising babies. when they start school. when i have enough money. its all in the future.
i want my hands to be about the business of serving. i want my heart to be about love. and at the end of my days, even if its tomorrow, id like for someone to say... for Jesus to say that mine was life well-lived.

even he was created by the One i follow...

in a poorly thought out effort to NOT climb on my high horse today (unlike the rest of my fellow americans) i tried really really hard to not mention the most recent assassination of osama bin laden. however, the more status updates and news articles i read, i simply can not resist. 
my first thought upon hearing about bin laden's death was "hmm, i guess it's about time." 
my second thought was "...crap, the war continues." because no matter if we had killed him or imprisoned him, vengeance will be had by his followers. just the same as it was had by us.
now, i am not God or Jesus. so, i will not even begin to think i know how the Great Almighty feels about this occurrence. i do know that Jesus speaks of love and forgiveness. He speaks of life and how we should not judge one another but yet, we will be judged by God. 
does this excuse the actions of man? of course not. does this wipe clean so many deaths including that of osama bin laden's? never. what it is supposed to do is let our hearts find freedom from bitterness. to let go of the resentment and hate. because hate, indifference, the lack of love, unforgiveness... in the end, these are the things that will kill us. 
i will never celebrate the death of a life. even one that was lived so poorly. because even osama bin laden was created by God.