establish: [ih-stab-lish] (used with object) 1. to found, institute, build, or bring into being on a firm or stable basis. 2. to install or settle in a position, place, business, etc. 3. to show to be valid or true. 4. to cause to be accepted or recognized: to establish a custom. 5. to bring about permanently.

ive been saying for weeks now the same sentence. of course, only to those closest to me and this wrecked heart of mine. 

"im not ready for the struggle..."

this sense of struggle has been looming overhead for what seems like eternity now. i wasnt sure if it would come like a desert or a storm. both fierce in its own right. one begging for a thirst to be quenched and a cool breeze. the other crying out for the waves to stop, the waters to calm.

what i realized today is...
im already in it. i can say "im not ready for the struggle" all i want. maybe ive been in denial. maybe i didnt have the words to describe it. or an accurate picture to portray this feeling. this stage. this season. but it is here and has been for months now. it came on slowly. creeping into my heart one or two degrees at a time.

it is not a desert. 

it is not a storm. 

it is the Refiner's Fire.

every week has been something different. a new lesson to learn. with one objective in mind. TRUST ME. the interesting thing is its not a whisper or a yell [as that is what ive become accustomed to]. with each new phase of the impurities being melted away, He simply states "Trust Me." 

so here i am. mixed with ash and an amazing amount of heat. in the flames. melted. separated. but being made into something truly remarkable. something that when done, will exist to bring honor and glory to Him alone.

 

1 Peter 5:10

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 

comparison, the thief of my joy

i am a comparison junkie. i do it so much, i dont even notice it anymore. most of my inner thoughts are about what other people have or dont have and how i compare to their situation.

"oooo look at her legs. i would KILL to have her legs."

"if only i could keep my house as clean as she does..."

"shes so smart. i wish i could be that smart."

"she shouldnt eat that."

"my kids behave WAY better than hers. my son would NEVER do that."

im sure i sound like a horrible person. i dont know. maybe i am? but im willing to bet i am probably more like most of you than you are willing to admit. and after reading lysa terkeurst's book "unglued," particularly chapter 9, that secret comes pouring out of me.

 i am THE empty woman.

 i compare in my sleep.and goodness know how i hate to admit this but... i have never been fully satisfied. i mean, i have had moments. glimpses of what satisfied looks like. but never fully and overwhelming, life altering, this is everything i could ask for and more satisfied. and its my own fault. somewhere along the way i gave into the lie. the same lie that convinced eve she needed something more than paradise. the same lie that wrapped around a kings mind, making david choose death and easily forgetting the very God who brought a small shepherd boy to a throne.
so what chance do i stand? an average girl from west texas, with a college degree, who spent five years working at starbucks and is now a stay at home mom.

but the TRUTH tells me i do have a chance!

"but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,God's special possession, that you make declare the praise of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light"

1 peter 2:9

i am a daughter of the Living God. i am royalty. he called me out and chose me. and i dont have to be this way. i get to say no to satan. i have the authority to stop the lies. and through Jesus, i can be just me. without comparison. as beautiful as He designed me to be. my load may not be elegant or graceful. but its mine. and He chose me to carry it and carry it i shall.

God, You alone can satisfy. fill me up with You and only You. Amen.

wedding dress

by derek webb

 

 if you could love me as a wife

and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i'll ever need

or is there more im looking for

and should i read between the lines

and look for blessings in disguise

to make me handsome, rich, and wise

is that really what you want
 

i am a whore i do confess 

but i put you on just like a wedding dress

and i run down the aisle

im a prodigal with no way home

but i put you on just like a ring of gold

and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child

though i don't trust you to provide

with one hand in a pot of gold

and with the other in your side

i am so easily satisfied

by the call of lovers less wild

that i would take a little cash 

over your very flesh and blood

because money cannot buy

a husbands jealous eye

when you have knowingly deceived his wife

i am a whore i do confess 

but i put you on just like a wedding dress

and i run down the aisle

im a prodigal with no way home

but i put you on just like a ring of gold

and i run down the aisle to you