i will arise.

months ago i asked Him to revolutionize my family. to make us wise. to make us solid. to make us servants.
He began with my husband, who was by no means a wreck. he is good at his job. funny. faithful. provided greatly for this family. but very little desire. passion. oomf (for lack of a better word). but God awoken his spirit and put a drive in him to be better. to be intentional. to be a God-honoring man.

so for the past six years, i have been the head of the household. i have been all things to all people. my little people. i have laid down the rules and kissed bloody knees. i have read scripture and made dinner. i have been the outgoing one. the hard one. the nice one. the loving one. the disciplined one. i have prayed over, for, with...
and now there is the bright, beautiful human being swooping in to take over the leadership role. which, let me say, is brilliant and a HUGE answer to prayer, as previously stated. but now, at 31, i am to find out who i am? weird. it took me a few weeks to even put a face and name to this feeling deep within. and through a very close friend and a fifteen minute, 7:30 am conversation, Jesus opened my eyes. i am no longer to be the head of this household. my role is to "simply" be the heart.

so what now? i have absolutely no clue. my identity is in disarray these days and it seems very difficult most times to be myself. because i dont really know who that is. what that person looks like.

on the drive home yesterday, i prayed a small, silent prayer.

"Jesus, show me who i am. not who i want to be. not who everyone else thinks i should be. who you called me to be. You set me apart. for what? You guide my steps. where? i have very little talents. but im willing. show me who You created me to be."

so if i seem weird. uncertain. vague. confused. it is because i am.
i am in the shadowlands. and as deep as the roots of the trees go, my bones ache for Him to pull me out of here.

renewed.

i will rise up.


Isaiah 61:1-3
 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
² to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.