The Love that won't let go.

I learned at a very young age the right way to act. How to please and placate. I, then, learned the right words to say in specific situations. Words that would provoke a nod of approval, a verbal response of thanks, or a mindset of deeper thinking. But even in all of this, I was not changed. I could easily transform my words and deeds to fit any crowd but in the quiet places, I hid. No wait, I did not hide. You cannot hide what you do not know. I didn’t truly understand and grasp who I was, so I was simply everyone. To everybody.  I spent many years trying to figure out who I was by changing at every turn. They were all just outward labels, really.

The good girl.

The good girl gone bad.

Prep. Punk. Rebel.

And in all of the searching I became…

Lost. Lonely. Empty. Confused. Aimless.

I had a false sense of Truth and an even falser sense of who I was meant to be. Now, before I begin the next sentence, let me make one thing very clear. You do not have to hit rock bottom for you to finally realize who you are. Did you hear that? Don’t go searching for the wicked ways of this world! Plenty of it will find you without you having to look very hard for it. If you have found your purpose and rest in the arms of Jesus, without ever having been tangled up in the evil schemes of man… you are better for it!

So, there I was. Nothing. Nobody. And then, Jesus.

He has a way of filling you up and emptying you all at once. 

It hurt like hell. And it was necessary, in order for me to grasp my need for Him. So here I am a lifetime later. Okay, it has only been about nine years. Nine years later, God is still teaching me who I am in Him. Not only WHO I am in Him but also, what I am supposed to be doing while still on this earth.

My youngest will start school in a year and a half. (Mind blowing.) I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I heard this question asked, “What’s the one thing you can’t imagine not doing for the rest of your life?… Then every decision from here on out should be in service of that.”

I thought long and hard about this. I could come up with only one thing.

Lead other people to the love of Christ.

It may sound cliché. But it’s my truth. I have experienced the Saving Grace. I abandoned it as a young adult. And you know what happened? He didn’t let me go. And at 24 years old, I experienced it all over again in a much deeper way than I ever could have at 8 years old. I keep experiencing it. Every day. And that love. It is what keeps me. It is the one thing that holds steadfast. With a future I can’t predict. With two boys that I am responsible for raising. With a marriage that I am committed to keeping sacred. With friendships that I am called to nurture. All within a crazy, narcissistic world… The love of Christ. 

deeper and deeper still.

I am thankful He doesn’t leave us where we are. I would’ve been long gone a decade ago. I am thankful that when I said “yes” to Him 3 years ago, He took me seriously. And as much as growing pains hurt. As much as I want to quit some days. As much rewiring that has to take place, I am so incredibly thankful that He sees me fit to do His work. He calls me by name to approach His throne and believe me, I do it humbly. I do it reverently. He calls me deeper still.

When I was eight years old, I accepted Him as Savior. When I gave birth eight years ago to my first son, I accepted Him as the Great Provider for my life. And as I look back on the last two years, I am overcome with a resounding sense of grace, knowing He has been shaping me to step into something far beyond what I could ever dream. Bigger than my mind can wrap around. Shedding skin; oh there is still much further to go. Transforming me into the image of Him; I could never compare. A new life. A new identity.

I have spent a lifetime, well 33 years, focused on the here and now. My earthly treasures. And I have said it before (God is reinviting me to learn this again), this world, it is not my home. While cute clothes, fit bodies, fun vacations, nice cars and comfortable houses are not sinful things… they are not the end goal. They are not even today’s goal. And even on their best days, these things can never make us whole. They make us momentarily happy while God is whispering things of Eternal Glory.

God has beckoned my heart to provide for the orphans and widows. Like Daniel, to stand with a humble fearlessness. To serve Him and others faithfully. Speak truth gracefully. Offer love always. And to go and make disciples.  

He calls me deeper still....

The generation of doing: my heart needs rest.

When we get caught up in doing good that we forget to be the good. When our lives get so full of busy and deeds and activities that we feel completely empty inside. I’ve turned into a Martha. Something, someone I never thought I would be. I get so busy “cleaning house” and “preparing a room” that I forget to fall at the feet of Jesus. I notice the longer this goes on, the shorter my patience gets with my children. The less time I spend in His presence, the less joyful I am in my everyday life. The more doing , the less just being. The older I get the more of a doer I become. I am not sure why this is and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, either. You need doers to get things done, of course.  But this is not what Jesus asks of us, first and foremost. He always gets to the heart of the matter. The heart. That is the only thing that matters.  And if we do good out of a grumbling heart, then it is meaningless. If we speak the truth but do it with a lack of grace and love, we are but a clanging cymbal. If we do God’s work before abiding in His word then it becomes our work and it is in vain that we toil. Jesus never intended to be something  we just mark off our to do list.

Vacuum. Check.

Drink 8 cups of water. Check.

Read bible. Check.

Grocery shop. Check.

Spend 20 minutes with Him. Check.

It dawned on me today, while vacuuming actually, that I can easily relate all of this to my home life. As a busy wife and mother of two boys, I, generally, put myself last. When the kids get sick, as mothers, we call the doctor and make an appointment. When my husband is sick, he takes off work to go to the doctor. But me? I tend to wait until the last possible moment before making an appointment. I mean, I have to be running a fever, sick in bed for 2 days, worn completely out, non-functioning, to go ask for medicine. And then, I am no good to anyone!

So what does this have to do with Jesus? Well, if I am making sure to take care of everyone else's heart and have not put in the time to take care of my own? Clanging cymbal. If I pray with my kids but have not spent time praying for them and for myself? Clanging cymbal. If I serve at home and in my community and at my church, but I haven’t sat for one solid minute to hear the voice of The Holy One? Clanging cymbal.

I can do good works. We all can. But I can’t offer the best part of me, I can’t offer anyone Jesus without first having spent time with Him. I can’t speak His truth clearly, without first having allowed His words to remain in me.  

Abide. That is what He is asking of me. 

something more beautiful than brokeness

We live in a culture that places brokenness on a pedestal. We love our catastrophes and our “hot messes.” Thus, the age of (not so real) reality television.

I spoke with an 18 year old last night about her troubles with her parents. She blamed them for all of her issues, as most 18 year old's do. The interesting thing is that when I asked her what she did to instigate the quarrel, she smirked. In the middle of the conversation she made a statement. One that threw me off for a moment. “They are going to have to let me make my own mistakes!” Today’s generation screams this. Like they invented this particular wheel. Its been going on for ages. There is nothing new under the sun. The generation of Israelites after the one that had been delivered out of the 40 year desert fiasco screamed the same thing. “We will make our own mistakes! Let us!” And we are supposed to sit back and watch. As if, there is something magical in being broken.  Brokeness. It’s a necessity, yes. But its also a filthy process. Not one to be idolized.

But what if there is something more beautiful than brokenness? What if the train wreck isn’t supposed to stay piled up in a heap of rubble and despair? What if we are supposed to take the broken pieces and allow them to be put back together… made new. Learn a lesson or two and move forward. Fall in love with Jesus a little bit more.

He didn’t come so that we could remain in the shame of our sin. He came to give us life and to give it more abundantly. When will we begin to walk in that abundance?

He didn’t stay in the tomb. He didn’t take his grave garments with Him. He didn’t remain bloody and broken. And neither should we.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

i did relate the avengers to Jesus. bam. #peace

"I think you are confusing peace with quiet." -Ultron, The Avengers

i am completely aware of how nerdy this makes me, quoting a robot from a super hero movie. and i would love to blame it on the fact that i have a husband and two little boys that love this stuff. but secretly (not so secret anymore) i love this sort of thing too. good guys vs bad guys. super powers. incomprehensible circumstances. the good guys always being defeated until the very last moment. and then good prevails! i. love. it. and i loved the new movie. for so many reasons. but thats a different blog.

the quote above struck a chord with me. it was said. (yes, yes by a robot. shhhhh) it was said and it pierced my heart. because there is a HUGE difference between asking for and wanting peace. and just being satisfied with quiet. so often we get them confused, dont we? when everything in life has gone array and its all we can do to get out of bed in the morning. theres so much chaos and noise surrounding us and we can barely hear ourselves speak, much less form a complete thought. and what we ask for is quiet. that things calm down. even if just for a moment. but what we should really be searching for is peace. because quiet comes and goes. so quickly. especially with small kids running circles around me on a daily basis. but peace, its everlasting. because this world is not our home. and all of this noise is just that. and we serve a God that gives us an inheritance. and that. THAT is peace. Jesus is the end goal. THAT is peace. seeing our friends and family come to know the one true God. THAT is peace. watching my little boys pray at night and hearing the words "i love to worship you" spill from the lips of my seven year old. THAT is peace.

the truth is that we can sit in silence in a quiet house filled with things that have made us momentarily happy and be completely empty. and anxious. and our hearts scream on the inside for more.

Peace.

and its only found in Jesus.

joy

joy.

that word. often mistaken for happiness. like the small feeling you get when someone gives you a compliment. or offers a gift. even webster has it slightly skewed offering these as definitions-

: a feeling of great happiness

: a source or cause of great happiness : something or someone that gives joy to someone

: success in doing, finding, or getting something

but can you be joyful when youre not happy?

can you have joy when you dont receive a gift, havent achieved greatness or found that perfect something... or someone. 

yes.

joy, i believe, is a state of being. not so much a feeling that easily passes as often as feelings do. but a consistent place where we rest. in the good and the bad. the easier times. and the times we are fighting tooth and nail just to keep our heads above the water. 

its the breath that says "i can do this." its when the tears fall but you know it will be ok... eventually. its the smallest smile of my heart when nothing is going my way. because truth be told, this world is not my home. 

joy is hard for me. i will be frank in saying, i come by it honestly. us linzy's arent known for our overwhelming positivity. the thorn in my flesh? no, its not porn or jealousy or envy or deceit. its negativity. its so easy for me. it comes out of my heart, exiting my mouth, like butter. and before i can get a hold on the words im speaking, theyre gone and passed to someone else. and its like an infection, spreading its way around the people i love, or dont particularly care for. it makes its way into the nooks and before too long im swimming in a vast sea of open criticism and bleakness. 

but knowing is half the battle. thorn in flesh. check. 

so what to do.... fake it till you make it? im not so good at faking. 

but what my pastor said a few weeks back was eye opening. its praying about it. for it. then putting it into practice! not faking. practicing. 

so i have been. practicing joy. when God has given me every reason TO be joyful and my first instinct is to complain about what i dont have or whats been done to me... practice. JOY.

its hard. and its worth it. and im still learning. and one day when i see the glorious face of Jesus i will have perfected it. but until then, i pray. and i have people praying for me. and slowly my first instinct is to take a deep breath and smile. not a fake smile. but one that knows from dust i came and to dust i will return and in the light of eternity all of this... its so. temporary. 

ive got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart. where?

down in my heart. where?

down in my heart. 

sing it with me. 

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. – Psalm 16:11 (NIV)