Behold, I am doing a new thing...

i LOVE restoring old furniture. there are few things better than finding something old and scratched up, something someone else deems as useless, and making it new. i get somewhat of a high (for lack of a better term) haggling prices with people. i love a good bargain. and free? well, thats the pinnacle of a good deal! 

we just moved into a new house. we are renting and therefore, cannot make huge changes to anything on the house. my husband breaths a sigh of relief. so i go hunting for cheap finds. desks, end tables, chests, really ANYthing made of wood. anything that i can sand and paint and possibly distress. want to know what my husband said to me just last night? "you know, not everything has to be chalk painted." the audacity! i love chalk paint because even if the piece of furniture has dents and scratches, you can slap on a coat of that stuff and it automatically gives it character. of course, i dont keep everything i restore. i sell it. thus, keeping my husband off my back. for a few days anyway. until i get more things to fill up his garage. i would like to say he will thank me one day. i dont think this is true. its just something in our marriage that he will lovingly deal with an i will gratefully keep on doing. thus is love. 

ive spent the last week on a number of projects. i transformed an old mirror that i found by a goodwill bin into a brilliant chalkboard. i purchased and old filing cabinet, dented and bruised, and painted it. because paint covers a multitude of sins. i had an old chest that someone was giving away. it was pretty scratched up from little kids hands and toys. i chalk painted and distressed it and it is now a fantastic little piece, once again. as i spent the last week sanding, painting, cleaning, stripping, changing these pieces into something new. something better. i couldnt help but think of God. He is the God of restoration, after all. 
i thought of how He restores each and everyone of us to Himself. the process of this. but oh the differences between His process and mine. you see, God never haggled with sin. He never once tried to lower the price. instead, He paid the highest price that He possibly could. sentencing His own Son to the worst death. to cover our sins for good. He doesnt just find the easiest way to cover up the blemishes. He gets rid of them for good. for His good. and i will say, there is always a point that i come to when i second guess myself. am i doing this right? should i have sanded more? should i have left well enough alone? maybe this was just too big a project. God never doubts. He sees every step before we have taken it. every breath before life was breathed into us. He knows exactly what He is doing. and while i go about trying to find the cheapest pieces, He shows no favoritism. for we are all on equal playing field. sinners. the piece no one wants. the scratches that are too deep for anyone to heal. broken legs. broken hearts. hinges barely in tact, set out on the curb. marked as "free before trash pickup." but God, in the grandest of gestures, doesnt just wipe us off and slap a new coat of paint on us in hopes to cover our past indiscretions. instead, He makes us new. completely new. the wiping off of the dust feels nice. its been a long time since we have felt this kindness. but then the sanding starts. stripping off all that we allowed this world to put on. all the words we took as our own skin. and it hurts. the sandpaper is rough and it feels as though we just arent cut out for shiny. and just when we are about to give up, it stops. we can feel the smooth paint bristles. the beginning of a masterpiece. the layers of His love. the fullness of His grace. because just as a thrift store desk doesnt earn my approval, neither do we earn His. but He gives it anyway. the God of the universe reaches down from heavenly heights and makes all things new. He makes us new. 
for most of us that accept His love, resting fully in His grace, walking closely to Him daily. we look in the mirror and can hardly see a glimmer of who we were before. 

Revelation 21:5 ...I am making all things new!...

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...

Isaiah 43:19 Behold, I am doing a new thing...

thank you Jesus. 

it all starts with a question

my small group at church is studying the book of john. a few weeks ago, we dove deeper into chapter 4. the story of the samaritan woman. the one at the well who "stumbles" upon Jesus. Jesus, like only He can do, completely blurs the lines of race, gender, socioeconomics.... He asks her for a drink then proceeds to pry her broken heart open to reveal truth. it started with a question. one simple question.

"will you give me a drink?" john 4:7b 

she could have said, "yes." she could have ended the conversation before it began with a quick, "no." but she dives into it with Jesus. because that simple question isnt so simple to her. at the point, the facilitator of our group asks us what Jesus' question would be for us. many of the women in the group stated that it changes, given the day and the circumstances. a few of us stayed quiet. i was one of them. because, as soon as she asked us this, clear as day i heard Him whisper. it took mere seconds. apparently, the Holy Spirit and i are no longer in the stage of easing into things. matter of fact is the way we go these days. 

"am I enough?"

so then the conversation over weeks begins with Him...

of course Youre enough! 

am I?

yes. of course. 

am I enough when youre lonely?

am I enough when you pack up all of your things and move again?

am I enough if you never go back to Ohio?

if you never get out of debt?

if your kids dont make good grades?

if you husband never finds complete satisfaction in his job?

am I enough when you feel like youre losing?

if you get sick? if its incurable? if someone close to you dies? 

am I enough then?

what if you never have another home? or never lose another pound? 

am. I. enough? 

and the words chisel their way through the flesh. in between the veins. underneath the bone.

because, stripped down and poured out. this is where all thats left is truth. and then the "yes" doesnt come so easy. i want to say it because i know its what im supposed to say. but my hearts truth screams, "i dont know." "i want You to be... enough." "but Youre not. because i worry. and i ache. and i groan."
and i become like jacob wrestling in the dead of night. genesis 32:26b "i will  not let you go until you bless me!" but what happens when His blessings dont look how i want them to? when His blessings seem like more wandering....

"am I enough?"

it has been weeks now of this. i praise Him through the hurting places because, quite frankly, its all i know how to do. (bitterness hasnt worked for me in the past). i pray for one specific thing and with the next breath ask for His will to ultimately be done. my flesh wants happiness. my soul just needs joy. i still cant answer this question. He still asks me. daily. reminding me of the goal. reminding me of my purpose. 

Therefore go and make disciple of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the end of the age.

Matthew 28:19-20

broccoli and the prosperity gospel

my four year old sits at the dinner table staring at his plate of food. broccoli. the bane of his existence. before he could complete sentences, he would adorably declare, "eeewww bwaacohwee." this phase of hating vegetables has not ceased. its a struggle. every. single. night. and he sits there, well after we have all cleaned our plates. well after i have cleaned up the kitchen. and some nights, i bargain. "if you take four bites of your vegetable, you can have dessert." and he does, begrudgingly. he can talk himself into putting vile, healthy things into his stomach if he knows he can have something sweet afterward. the other night, the broccoli fiasco happened that downright sent me over the edge. sometimes a fight over green things can wear a mother down. that night, as i lay in bed, drifting off to sleep, i had a thought...
this is how i relate to Jesus. how most of us, as believers, relate to our Christian lives. He puts that plate of broccoli in front of us. and we sigh the deepest, most childish sigh we can muster. we roll our eyes. sometimes, we throw tantrums. no, youre not the only one. we all do it. we all, at one time or another, are given something that we do not want. that we think is grotesque and hideous and the worst! and we are good. we do good things. we are the believers. the chosen people. how could this possibly come from God? and this is when the lies of the prosperity gospel are burnt to a crisp. because there is no such thing. you can look at any single one of the main players of Scripture. their lives on paper will tell you. this life? it aint the glamorous life.
moses. this guy was sent down a river in a basket. adopted into the pharoahs house. the richest of the rich, until one day he is overwhelmed with his internal story of right and wrong. and he kills. and runs. and disappears. but not from God. and he is found. and sent to recapture what was lost. which sounds prosperous, right? they do escape the egyptians, but end up wandering through the desert for forty years. and if being in charge of a large group of ungrateful, hedonistic people wasnt enough... moses makes one mistake and is denied access to the promise land. ouch. and he still gives thanks.
joseph. a simple dream. but is a loud mouth about it. so his brothers sell him into slavery. he makes the best of a horrible situation. ends up rising to the top, only to be taken down by a jealous womans lie. back down to the bottom. and still he praises God.
jacob. job. david. peter. paul.
Jesus. the son of God. perfect. no sin. no mistakes. suffered.
you see, in modern day america, we have this idea that if we follow the commandments and dont commit "the worst sins." (btw theyre all equal) that if we are good people, living the good life for Christ then we will have it easy. the prophets may have laughed in our faces. mother theresa would have said something very different.
but i am the child in front of the broccoli, asking "if i eat this, do i get something better afterward?" sometimes, some people do. sometimes, the answer is no. and i am given broccoli again. and again. and i am the jew in the desert, complaining about the manna. and im so blinded by my complaints of my lack of. of my boring. that i cant see the miraculous blessing of manna falling from the sky in the middle of the wilderness. of the broccoli that has been placed in front of me. to nourish me. to keep me alive and well. to keep my giving thanks. because i am not without.
as Gods obedient people, we are not given every desire here on earth. praise Jesus. when we do good day after day, serving, loving and we get very little if anything in return... we are disappointed. its human nature. but its also because, no matter how permanent this all feels, it is not. our hearts were created for a different Home. one that is being prepared for us. where glorious riches await. the one where the truest blessing awaits. we get to see the face of God Himself.

then sings my soul
my Savior, God to Thee
how great Thou art
how great Thou art

seasons.

it has been too long since ive writtten meaningful words. life happened. we decided to sell our house. then God decided to relocate us across the country. we traded in 5 acres of green, a church home, deep friendships, comfort, for a 1300 square foot apartment in colorado. it all started with a simple "yes" in a simple prayer from a simple girl. before i made real friends. before i called ohio home. before i knew the "yes" would mean something so drastic and devastating to this heart of mine. but heres the good news... if i could change that prayer? i wouldn't. because a.w. tozer's quote rings ever so true in my life, "outside the will of God, theres nothing i want. inside the will of God theres nothing i fear." so here we are... churchless. friendless. houseless. inside the will of God. fearless.

lets talk a little about what my life looked like in ohio versus now. BUSY. i had my hands in everything. i babysat full time. was involved in several ministries at our church. discipleship training. bible study fellowship. guitar lessons. tae kwon do for the oldest boy. swim, for the youngest. going, going, going.... all. of. the. time. oh, and four hours of mowing every week. here in colorado, i have absolutely no obligations. and going to the pool every day is phenomenal. yesterday, was the first day of school for my oldest. we had donuts and dropped him off. worked out. took the dog to the dog park. i vacuumed and mopped all the floors. then took my youngest to a nearby park that was hosting a free event. had lunch. picked up my oldest from school then spent the next few hours at the pool before dinner and showers. i know what youre thinking. youd choose the latter life in a heartbeat. i would too. for a few days. that's how long its taken me to be BORED OUT OF MY MIND. because, as it turns out, i am the Martha. the doer. busy. and i don't know how to be anything else.

so i prayed this morning another simple prayer. theyre never very complicated, lets be honest. because as much as i love words, i have figured out that with me and Jesus? straightforward simplicity is the way to go. i asked God, "what is this season supposed to look like?" after some meditation and contemplation, i have a few ideas...

enjoying time with rhys before he starts school next year. i was able to do it with my oldest. now its his turn. and ive spent the last 4 years of his life babysitting other kids. so now, he gets my attention.

in ohio, i had tons of people pouring into me. i learned who i was in Christ. stepped into who i was as a person. i made friendships most people dream of. ill be honest in saying, i don't think this season will produce friendships like those. that's not me being pessimistic. its me being real. and that's ok for me. ive met my people. and im not saying that there will not be more in the future. i just don't think it will be now. i truly believe that this season i am meant to pray. a ton. and go out and seek the lost. because they need people. i have been surrounded by Christians the last four years, rarely coming across an unbeliever. which was good for me. i needed that. but now, i get to be that for someone else. and i will actually have the time to be just that. we will find a church. we will have support. but lets be clear and direct. the broken, messy world? theyre not knocking on our doors. so we go to them. we meet them in parks or the library. we sit across from them drinking coffee and listening. we schedule play dates and dinners. we accept their invitations and we extend ours. we love. because God loved us. its not a new message. its simple. but its hard. so hard that sometimes it takes you across the country to implement it.

so that's sort of it. nothing too profound. sorry if youre disappointed. but the Bible says theres nothing new under the sun. its true.

In Your Name. For Your Glory.

Matthew 28:19-20

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. 

 

When everything inside of us tell us to stay. It is safer here. It’s comfortable. When our first instinct, our natural instinct is to stay… but Jesus has already said, “Go.”

I am not telling you to pack up all of your belongings and move across the country. Or to a different country. Well, unless God has spoken this over your life. I do not think this is what Jesus meant when He said “go and make disciples…” I think it’s a “go outside of your four walls” sort of thing. Go to where the broken are and speak restoration. Go to the hungry and feed them. Go to that single mom you know and watch her kids for an evening. Go to the weary worn out depleted soul and make them a meal and then listen to everything they have to say. And then tell all of them, every single last one of them, about Jesus.

Because this, THIS is what the church looks like. When you’re too busy being at the church to actually be the church in someone’s life? Well then, there is certainly an issue at hand that needs resolving. And let me tell you, it will be uncomfortable. Unlike the physical four walls of a church, there are no boundaries here. In this world, there are no rules and it is full of unsafe and unfriendlies. It will be tiring and costly. It will hurt like hell. But I would rather hurt like it then see a bunch of people I know end up there. So go BE the church and stop hiding behind it.

Jesus, let everything you taught the disciples sink deep into our hearts. Open our eyes to the lost and make us brave, so we can go out and find them. In Your Name. For Your Glory. 

If we're honest...

I was driving home from the gym, my four year old in the back seat singing along with the radio. I can’t for the life of me remember what was playing. But that’s when I heard it. The little voice. Not audibly, no. But it was clear as day. And not the soft, gentle One that beckons me to be better. It was sly and smooth, thick with deceit. “They will eventually find you out.” I played dumb at first, thinking to myself, “Find me out? What are you talking about?” There it was again, menacing and taunting. “You want all of these things to make you good but really, you’re not. You do the right things. Say the right words. But you are just hiding. Hide deeper because things are getting real. They will find you out.” It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I wasn’t hiding, was I? I really do mean what I say, don’t I? I do want more of Jesus. I want Him to change every fiber of my being so I look like Him. I want my entire world based on the love of Christ so everyone that I encounter can know that love too. I, immediately, rebuked the all too familiar voice. It was shame trying to seep his way back in. It was fear attempting to chain me down to memories I had long been delivered from.

It is not easy being honest. In fact, it is downright terrifying. And this world will repeatedly tell you that you aren’t good enough, perfect enough. And if you can’t be that, then hide. Create a shell around your heart. Don’t express how you really feel. Never speak your truth. Fitting in feels better than being condemned. 

But I know of a group of people who defies all of this. They are true Jesus followers. They mean what they say. They welcome. Maybe, you are in need of a table. Somewhere to unload all of your dirty laundry. We don’t just say grace here, we give it too. Maybe you need some good ol’ fashioned truth serum. Something to shed light on the lies. Ours is in the shape of a book, never forgotten or destroyed. Maybe, you just need someone to listen. To nod. A hand on the shoulder when tears trickle down your cheek. It can’t be easy feeling this alone. We get it because we have all felt the same. Maybe you need a good meal and an even better laugh. Something to fill you up and to make you smile. We’ve got that covered. All you have to do is come. Show up. Pull up a chair. We all put something in. An arrogant personality. A one too many drinks every night. A porn dilemma. A wish for someone else. A longing for another life entirely. A dark hole we can’t seem to climb out of. We unload it by speaking our honesty. Because we know that the quickest way to kill the darkness is to turn on the light. That is what we do. And if there is a day when you are too weak to speak it yourself… well, we can do it for you.

A table.

Open hearts.

Empty hands.

Full stomachs.

Freedom. 

If We're Honest -Francesca Battistelli

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest

The Love that won't let go.

I learned at a very young age the right way to act. How to please and placate. I, then, learned the right words to say in specific situations. Words that would provoke a nod of approval, a verbal response of thanks, or a mindset of deeper thinking. But even in all of this, I was not changed. I could easily transform my words and deeds to fit any crowd but in the quiet places, I hid. No wait, I did not hide. You cannot hide what you do not know. I didn’t truly understand and grasp who I was, so I was simply everyone. To everybody.  I spent many years trying to figure out who I was by changing at every turn. They were all just outward labels, really.

The good girl.

The good girl gone bad.

Prep. Punk. Rebel.

And in all of the searching I became…

Lost. Lonely. Empty. Confused. Aimless.

I had a false sense of Truth and an even falser sense of who I was meant to be. Now, before I begin the next sentence, let me make one thing very clear. You do not have to hit rock bottom for you to finally realize who you are. Did you hear that? Don’t go searching for the wicked ways of this world! Plenty of it will find you without you having to look very hard for it. If you have found your purpose and rest in the arms of Jesus, without ever having been tangled up in the evil schemes of man… you are better for it!

So, there I was. Nothing. Nobody. And then, Jesus.

He has a way of filling you up and emptying you all at once. 

It hurt like hell. And it was necessary, in order for me to grasp my need for Him. So here I am a lifetime later. Okay, it has only been about nine years. Nine years later, God is still teaching me who I am in Him. Not only WHO I am in Him but also, what I am supposed to be doing while still on this earth.

My youngest will start school in a year and a half. (Mind blowing.) I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I heard this question asked, “What’s the one thing you can’t imagine not doing for the rest of your life?… Then every decision from here on out should be in service of that.”

I thought long and hard about this. I could come up with only one thing.

Lead other people to the love of Christ.

It may sound cliché. But it’s my truth. I have experienced the Saving Grace. I abandoned it as a young adult. And you know what happened? He didn’t let me go. And at 24 years old, I experienced it all over again in a much deeper way than I ever could have at 8 years old. I keep experiencing it. Every day. And that love. It is what keeps me. It is the one thing that holds steadfast. With a future I can’t predict. With two boys that I am responsible for raising. With a marriage that I am committed to keeping sacred. With friendships that I am called to nurture. All within a crazy, narcissistic world… The love of Christ.