this desert girl dont like the floods...

today i remembered a line i had written so long ago... "ive gotten so used to the rain that now im scared of the sun." such a meaningful line to me. i used to thrive on chaos. i think when things got too calm, my body would literally ache for it to rain again. today i remembered that line and realized that i am in such a different place.
living in england for the past six months has grown something in me. i believe this growth is a fondness for the desert and a longing to step out of the dark clouds.  dont get me wrong, i enjoy the rain. but only from time to time. it gives life and makes things green. it cleanses and sometimes, you need to just stay in with a good cup of tea. but when it begins to rain every single day.... well, its annoying. i dont want that much tea and all i want is the sun. i want heat. i want to have to guzzle a gallon of water just to breathe. im beginning to think this is because of where i was raised. good ol' west texas. sticker patches. tumble weeds. oil rigs. i have a friend here in england who was raised on the east coast, so she naturally loves england. its like her second home. and at this, i am amazed. i wonder what it would be like to love this place. but alas, i do not think i will ever know.
i am no longer scared of the sun. to be happy. to let things lie. i want some peace and quiet. and warmth.

does being unraveled make it easier to touch the hem of His robe?

today i am thinking of how often we forget to love the place we are in... well, i do. it has been 7 months since we moved to this island and quite frankly, we have had a rough go at it. corbin seemed to have adjusted quite well. kids are resilient. however, the past few weeks he has been expressing, on a daily basis, that he misses gigi & papa and grandma. he gets his emotional side from me. and it breaks my heart to know that he longs for them and i can not do anything about it. i have missed home for quite some time now. i have tried to be positive. to think about what God wants me to learn from this experience. i have yet to come up with an answer. dont get me wrong, it has been lovely being able to go to all of these different places, experience the things i have, and see beauty that i never thought id see. and for those things, along with many others, i consider myself blessed. but even though it rains enough here, spiritually, i am in a dry spell. i never thought i would want to live in odessa. never ever! but the older i get, the older my children get... i dont know. it just doesnt seem so bad, settling down near family and friends. the familiar. so for now, i will try to pray about my heart. to be content in the things i have been given. to be present. and as for the rest, like always, i will leave it up to God. because all of my plans have a way of coming unraveled.

"so humble me just as You did the king who lost his mind in the wilderness. and dont let me go back until i confess, You are the Only God."  -bethany dillon : deliver me