i will arise.

months ago i asked Him to revolutionize my family. to make us wise. to make us solid. to make us servants.
He began with my husband, who was by no means a wreck. he is good at his job. funny. faithful. provided greatly for this family. but very little desire. passion. oomf (for lack of a better word). but God awoken his spirit and put a drive in him to be better. to be intentional. to be a God-honoring man.

so for the past six years, i have been the head of the household. i have been all things to all people. my little people. i have laid down the rules and kissed bloody knees. i have read scripture and made dinner. i have been the outgoing one. the hard one. the nice one. the loving one. the disciplined one. i have prayed over, for, with...
and now there is the bright, beautiful human being swooping in to take over the leadership role. which, let me say, is brilliant and a HUGE answer to prayer, as previously stated. but now, at 31, i am to find out who i am? weird. it took me a few weeks to even put a face and name to this feeling deep within. and through a very close friend and a fifteen minute, 7:30 am conversation, Jesus opened my eyes. i am no longer to be the head of this household. my role is to "simply" be the heart.

so what now? i have absolutely no clue. my identity is in disarray these days and it seems very difficult most times to be myself. because i dont really know who that is. what that person looks like.

on the drive home yesterday, i prayed a small, silent prayer.

"Jesus, show me who i am. not who i want to be. not who everyone else thinks i should be. who you called me to be. You set me apart. for what? You guide my steps. where? i have very little talents. but im willing. show me who You created me to be."

so if i seem weird. uncertain. vague. confused. it is because i am.
i am in the shadowlands. and as deep as the roots of the trees go, my bones ache for Him to pull me out of here.

renewed.

i will rise up.


Isaiah 61:1-3
 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
² to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

intentional grace.

there has been a theme of two words making its way into my life, around my thoughts, embedding itself deep into my soul...

{intentional}

{grace}

over and over again i am hearing the phrase "be intentional." which means overcoming emotion. rising above circumstance. let me be clear. i do not feel strong enough to do so... BUT. God has made me so. and so i will be.

and not only am i to be intentional about clinging to Jesus. obeying His commands. loving my enemies. loving my children. (which lets be honest, some days they both can be the same.) immersing myself in His truth. being joyful. the kind of joy that surpasses all understanding... not only am i supposed to be intentional, i am supposed to do it with

                                                                               GRACE

something my life does not exude in the slightest. nor my personality. nor my actions. but God calls me to this. i do not feel graceful... BUT. He has made me so. and so i will be.

im uncertain of the time frame of this endeavor. i fear it might take a long while. like, say, maybe eternity. especially when my kids start arguing in the backseat and all i can do is turn the radio up so loud to drown them out because i know if i dont i will have a complete and utter meltdown. or when i spend the fourth night in a row going to bed late, being awoken in the middle and then rising early only to have little hands and tiny mouths needing and taking some more of my non existent energy. when i want to eat that second doughnut or drink the third glass of wine. when time and time again, i tell myself i cant or im not good enough. when the stress becomes overpowering and the fire keeps refining...

2 Corinthians 12:9 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 


Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound


Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 

Psalm 139:13-16

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.