it is officially fall.
the leaves are bright gold and floating wherever the wind
takes them. the boys, with hoods overhead, raking leaves and sticks to compost
and burn. and in a matter of weeks, the amount of yard work has changed in an excruciating way. soon, everything will die to itself and there will be
nothing left to do but wait for repurpose. growth. green.
when autumn first showed signs of its presence, i asked God
to change this season of my own life along with the outside. its been too much
to deal with. this heart of mine. longing for something more while He sees fit
to give less. and you learn. you learn to take joy in the little. you learn
that whatever you have, its enough. He always give us His best. rusty nails
always save us better than a golden crown.
and He asks if I will take it. all that He is offering. all
that He has planned for me and mine. one bleak wednesday morning, i give up the
fight. i close my eyes and with an inner, pleading whisper one word seeps out
of my heart. “yes.”
and i know, just as the israelites did, i will forget. and He
will give manna. i will complain. and He will teach joy in death. we have been doing this
dance for months now and i am quite certain the song has a few more verses
left. i would be lying if i said that I don’t pray for this season in my life
to change, along with the outside. but I have no control. and i am finally in a
place where i am relinquishing the whole idea that i have some. no control.
whatever You see fit. whatever Your plan. whatever You
bestow. whatever is unpleasing…
“yes.”
give. and take away.
and maybe, just maybe as the earth dies
around me. as these leaves seep back into the ground for the long white, winter
months. maybe it will be then that You decide to make me green again.
psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
