from darkness into light

2014. wow. more than enough has happened and quite frankly, im ready for 2015.

the year began with a new men's ministry at our church, which my husband was very excited to join. and as i watched God change him into something i always prayed for well, there was something that changed within me too. i said "yes" to the Giver. yes to whatever He wanted for this family of mine. and then, i fell into a depression of sorts. coincidence? maybe. an attack? probably. so much change and i had to finally give up the reigns as "leader." something i had intensely prayed to happen for so long. something i didnt know would alter my sense of purpose. something that would have me asking the questions, "what is my role now?" and "where do i go from here?" the sadness and fear passed and we moved on into a new phase of this beautiful life together.

and then wham. my husbands contract was cancelled. its been almost 6 months now and im not sure how we have survived. well i do know. nothing short of a miracle. nothing short of Jesus. people gave. we had to be humble enough to receive. i picked up odd jobs. and we were able to pay the mortgage every month. i learned what the body of Christ is meant to look like. not the sharp toothed creatures who eat their own that the media portrays as "the church." no no. the Church of Acts. the breaking of bread and giving to those who need it the most.

we havent had a huge year in the terms of births or deaths. oh but our hearts were challenged. our souls were changed. and two things were asked of us: 1) trust 2) obey
so we did. and so many times we have died to ourselves. so many times we cried and were anxious and mourned the parts we would never get back. paying no mind to the fact that we are better without them.
and the new year brings birth. not silly resolutions that feed nothing to eternity. but newness. life. hope. and we are walking from what i can only assume is darkness into light.

we learned persistence. change. prayer. i learned a gut wrenching amount of humility. beauty in the shambles and ash.

our boys turned 3 and 7 in 2014.
corbin was baptized by his father. has a heart for the lost children of this world. loves chocolate even though it hurts his stomach. plays basketball and wrestles with his little brother.
rhys is officially potty trained. is overjoyed to attend BSF every wednesday. loves hot dogs and will finally drink milk. he will rule this life of his and fully believes his brother hung the moon.

my husband loves Jesus. i can finally say that with full confidence. he makes good decision for his family. talks about how he feels. he is strong. protecting. encouraging. and patient.

2014 sucked. and i wouldnt trade it for anything.

i am the dwelling place.

this past week in bible study fellowship, we studied the putting together of the tabernacle. (exodus 35-39) one of the questions in the study asked how we can relate the "tent of meeting" to our modern day lives... i didnt answer this question at first and quickly moved to the next. i went back later to reread it. i shook the feeling off and still wrote nothing down. then wednesday morning rolled around and we met in our small groups. the question came. and everyone looked at one another puzzled, not knowing how to answer it. and i breathed a deep breath in. i knew once i said it, it would be out there. and then i would be accountable for it.

dwelling place. tabernacle. these words are one in the same. and God, in all of His splendor and glory, dwelt in the tabernacle, among His people. moses followed His commands with the sacrifices and the washing of hands, coming into this holy meeting place blameless and covered before The Almighty. moses understood His Awesome nature. and respected it. so how does this relate to us? we are... the tent of meeting.

mind blown.
(okay, so maybe its not so big for you. but it was for me. it weighed heavy on my heart, begging to be spoken aloud.)

we are the walking, talking tent of meeting. tabernacle. dwelling place. after pentecost, God gave us the gift of Him in the form of the Holy Spirit. and those believing in the saving power of Jesus, receive that gift. therefore, He dwells within us. i know, i know, you already know this. but do you KNOW it?!

because to KNOW it means to acknowledge that we enter the tent of meeting ALL of the time filthy. covered in our shame and sin. did Moses? no! he shed blood to cover sins. that was Jesus for us. then he washed himself, as to not defile the Holiest of Holy's. but we defile ourselves daily.

what if before i thought something, said something, did something, i thought "i am in the presence of God." (because His presence is in me)

how would this change me? drastically.

how would my thoughts change? 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 

Philippians 4:8

how would my speech change?

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Ephesians 4:29

how would my actions change?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23a

this may not be big to you. thats ok. but for me, it was just so huge. tying the old testament into the modern day world. moses had such a reverence for God. i want that. his love for Him, i want that too! out of a joyful and overflowing love and respect for my Creator, i want to always make the best choices. i want to honor him above all else. have an unending gratitude. a fierce love. 

and people think that being inside of Gods will is restrictive. no no. its protective. which changes everything!

oh God, forgive me. 

for assuming You owe me something when i owe You everything. 

for undermining You when i should revere You. 

for having the audacity to ask for blessings before forgiveness. 

thank You for mercy. the blood of Jesus. the Holy Spirit. 

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me away from Your presence

 And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation

And sustain me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,

 And sinners will be converted to You.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;

Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

That my mouth may declare Your praise.

For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;

You are not pleased with burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

Psalm 51:10-14