it all starts with a question

my small group at church is studying the book of john. a few weeks ago, we dove deeper into chapter 4. the story of the samaritan woman. the one at the well who "stumbles" upon Jesus. Jesus, like only He can do, completely blurs the lines of race, gender, socioeconomics.... He asks her for a drink then proceeds to pry her broken heart open to reveal truth. it started with a question. one simple question.

"will you give me a drink?" john 4:7b 

she could have said, "yes." she could have ended the conversation before it began with a quick, "no." but she dives into it with Jesus. because that simple question isnt so simple to her. at the point, the facilitator of our group asks us what Jesus' question would be for us. many of the women in the group stated that it changes, given the day and the circumstances. a few of us stayed quiet. i was one of them. because, as soon as she asked us this, clear as day i heard Him whisper. it took mere seconds. apparently, the Holy Spirit and i are no longer in the stage of easing into things. matter of fact is the way we go these days. 

"am I enough?"

so then the conversation over weeks begins with Him...

of course Youre enough! 

am I?

yes. of course. 

am I enough when youre lonely?

am I enough when you pack up all of your things and move again?

am I enough if you never go back to Ohio?

if you never get out of debt?

if your kids dont make good grades?

if you husband never finds complete satisfaction in his job?

am I enough when you feel like youre losing?

if you get sick? if its incurable? if someone close to you dies? 

am I enough then?

what if you never have another home? or never lose another pound? 

am. I. enough? 

and the words chisel their way through the flesh. in between the veins. underneath the bone.

because, stripped down and poured out. this is where all thats left is truth. and then the "yes" doesnt come so easy. i want to say it because i know its what im supposed to say. but my hearts truth screams, "i dont know." "i want You to be... enough." "but Youre not. because i worry. and i ache. and i groan."
and i become like jacob wrestling in the dead of night. genesis 32:26b "i will  not let you go until you bless me!" but what happens when His blessings dont look how i want them to? when His blessings seem like more wandering....

"am I enough?"

it has been weeks now of this. i praise Him through the hurting places because, quite frankly, its all i know how to do. (bitterness hasnt worked for me in the past). i pray for one specific thing and with the next breath ask for His will to ultimately be done. my flesh wants happiness. my soul just needs joy. i still cant answer this question. He still asks me. daily. reminding me of the goal. reminding me of my purpose. 

Therefore go and make disciple of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the end of the age.

Matthew 28:19-20