today i remembered a line i had written so long ago... "ive gotten so used to the rain that now im scared of the sun." such a meaningful line to me. i used to thrive on chaos. i think when things got too calm, my body would literally ache for it to rain again. today i remembered that line and realized that i am in such a different place.
living in england for the past six months has grown something in me. i believe this growth is a fondness for the desert and a longing to step out of the dark clouds. dont get me wrong, i enjoy the rain. but only from time to time. it gives life and makes things green. it cleanses and sometimes, you need to just stay in with a good cup of tea. but when it begins to rain every single day.... well, its annoying. i dont want that much tea and all i want is the sun. i want heat. i want to have to guzzle a gallon of water just to breathe. im beginning to think this is because of where i was raised. good ol' west texas. sticker patches. tumble weeds. oil rigs. i have a friend here in england who was raised on the east coast, so she naturally loves england. its like her second home. and at this, i am amazed. i wonder what it would be like to love this place. but alas, i do not think i will ever know.
i am no longer scared of the sun. to be happy. to let things lie. i want some peace and quiet. and warmth.
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